The safety features in cars being manufactured today are off the head! And, in the very near future, automobiles will be much like the ones in the Jetsons. Heck, maybe even Astro will be able to drive you around. My sister has a new Mercedes with some amazing safety features. Of course there is the back-up camera, bluetooth for handsfree chatting and other typical safety features. But it also has a sensor around the car that won’t allow you to tailgate, lets you know if there is someone in your blindspot and it lets you know if you’re too close to an object. It goes absolutely nuts at the bank’s drive through teller. Which is embarrassing to explain to the teller that your car is having a seizure. But the most amazing safety feature of all time, to me, is the one that will pull your car back into your own lane if you begin to drift. Also, the steering wheel and seat vibrate and a coffee cup images flashes on the instrument panel. I’m pretty sure they call that the DWI designated driver feature. I’m sure my brother-in-law uses the heck out of that feature. He’s English…he drinks a lot.

Those are just a few of the current safety features offered in newer cars. There are some features we’d really like to see in all cars. Or, at least be made available to us. The ejector seat button is a feature I’ve dreamt of for years. It would come in handy on either short commutes or those long, boring road trips. And, you can use it at your own discretion, or just use it as leverage. And, by leverage, I mean you can call it an “or else” button. As in, “No backseat driver complaints…OR ELSE!” or, as in “Dude! You’re tone deaf! Do not sing along with the tunes…OR ELSE!” or, as in “What?? You are leaving me for the babysitter?” … BOING

I’d also like to have a feature that will put a silent shield, like an invisible duct tape, around the mouth of the annoying, chattering passenger. The one that doesn’t even hear you when you say for the fifteenth time “Dude, I know, you’ve told me that story.” I know I’m not the only one that feels like that is one of the features we’d really like to see in all cars. It would come in handy for someone who is always kavetching about your bad driving skills. Maybe even a feature that would announce through the sound system when someone is reaching peak annoyance levels. Perhaps it could double with the ejector button feature. Counting down backwards from 10 before they eject so they can have time to apologize for ruining your commute.

Until next week….

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Features We’d Really Like To See In All Cars – Comedy Defensive Driving