Although I am not a criminal, I must admit that sometimes I act like one. Perhaps it is just a habit, but if I see a police car, I inevitably lock ’em up…even if I’m not speeding. Isn’t that crazy? It must be what they would call submission to authority (or at least that’s what Freud would have called it). Well, Freud and my boyfriend. He makes fun of me because I wave at police. He says that only someone like me would wave at a police officer because I am a total home slice. Maybe he’s right. I haven’t been pulled over by the authorities in quite some time. But, when I do (and I will), there are a few things that I will need to keep in mind.

Below is a list of things that are said to put an officer “at ease.”

  • Pull over to the right side of the road and find a safe place to stop. Do this immediately. Police get a little suspicious if you don’t pull over right away. You don’t want them to assume that you are attempting to conceal something and perhaps are just needing more time to stash it (like that inflatible H.O.V. doll you got on ebay).
  • Don’t get out of the car. Yes, maybe in that small town where you went to High School with the officer who is pulling you over, you may have gotten out and met him half-way, hoping that was a friendly gesture. Not anymore. Stay in the car.
  • Put your car in park. Leaving your car in gear gives them the impression that you might try to flee the scene. Tips for fleeing the scene will be in next week’s comedy blog (just kidding).
  • Roll down the windows so that the officer can see inside the vehicle. If they can see within your car, they may assume that you have nothing to hide. Just roll ’em down…especially if they’re tinted windows…windows tinted so dark that you don’t want him to see how dark they are…they’ll give you a ticket for that as well. Cha-ching!
  • Shut off your car. Again, not to give them the impression that you may try to flee by leaving your car running.
  • Put your keys on the dashboard. Or, if you are a Felon, just throw the keys out the window. Where you’re going, you’re not going to need them anyway.
  • Sit Still. Keep your hands high on the wheel within plain sight. Hands open.
  • Do not reach for anything. (Especially a weapon). And, by all means, don’t ask the officer to hold your beer while you get your information out of the glove box.
  • Move like a sloth (…it’ll freak ’em out).
  • Let the officer speak first. Whatever you do, don’t address the officer as “sir” until you get a really good look at him/her (Aha! Now you see why?). That’s the quickest way to get on a female police officer’s bad side.
  • And if they ask you “Do you know why I pulled you over?” (a classic question). Just say no. Don’t say “To remind me that I forgot to turn my radar detector on?”
  • If they ask you if you know how fast you’re going (another classic question) just say no. Don’t say “Not fast enough, apparently.” And, when they disclose what your actual speed is, for the love of God, don’t say “You should have seen how fast I was going about 10 miles back, ossifer.
  •  If they ask you is there a good reason why you are speeding? Just say no. Don’t say you’re trying to get to the liquor store before they close. Because that first case of beer didn’t really do the trick.”

Until next week…stay out of trouble.

Daun Thompson