A young guy, by the name of Dan is moving in with his cougar who he met on Match.com. He plans a moving party of sorts and sends out E-vites to all the people he knows, with a long bed truck. He provides beer and pizza as an incentive to show up. Oh yeah, this is already starting out good, booze and manual labor, recipe for “Ouch that was my spleen!!!!”
Two out of ten invites show up for the free beer, Milwaukee’s Best. There was no mention of that in the Craig’s List ad Dan had to put out, because he doesn’t know that many people! Instead of tying down the mattress, Dan suggested to the drunker of his two new friends that they should just lay on the mattress to help weight it down….oh bad idea!!! The drunkard doesn’t lie on the mattress; he passes out on the mattress. The vehicle travels at 40 mph, then 45, then 50 when all of a sudden the DNA infested mattress goes flying out of the bed of the pick-up!! I think I hear a fat lady singing. Luckily the drunkard died instantly after his magic carpet ride ended abruptly. Thank God he didn’t feel the pain of his skull and flesh being ripped apart by the asphalt as it skidded down the road half the length of a football field, which oddly enough, is further than the St. Louis Rams could go. Now to some this might seem like cleaning out the gene pool, to others it’s a travesty of massive proportion because a mattress was ruined.
Be aware of flying debris and people coming out of trailers and open-bed pickup trucks. Drunken rednecks, frat boys and lawn care workers do not make cool hood ornaments, despite popular belief. Never stay behind a pickup truck loaded with furniture or you could wind up on the evening news.
By the way, have you ever seen just “one” shoe off to the side of the road? It’s always just one shoe! If you see a high-heeled shoe on the side of the road in Dallas, Texas, it probably belonged to a stripper by the stage name of “Cinderella” who got into a fight with her boyfriend and missed, if you see a shoe on the side of a lonely highway in Arizona, alien abduction. And by alien abduction, I mean illegal immigrants who needed a white guy to speak for them in case they got pulled over by the cops.
As a defensive driving instructor I hear stories about what my students have been hit by, ladders, PVC pipes, furniture, boats that come unhitched and dogs that are tied up and jump out of the truck and they don’t come unhitched, sorry PETA. We hear those unfortunate stories all the time. Take the time to secure your load; most states hold you liable if anything comes out of your vehicle or off your vehicle.
Join me again next week and until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
I was driving into the southwest on my way to Acoma, New Mexico to do a comedy show at the Sky City Casino in 2001. As I made my way into the land of enchantment an eerie essence took over my driving. This strange but familiar highway hypnosis of anticipation to the upcoming show takes command over my subconscious like a Native American cruise control. At the same time I hope that club has enough Jack Daniels to carry me through the night and Pepcid AC. I’m listening to my “southwest” mix CD consisting of U2, Marty Robbins, Mazzy Star and Dwight Yoakam. My mind drifts thinking of all the one night stands and the bars I’ve experienced in a drunken haze after shows in Tucson, Espanola, Roswell and walking barefoot at 3a.m. on the grimy sidewalks of that shady border town called El Paso. FYI, drivers DO NOT yield to pedestrians in El Paso City. I’m back in “God’s country” the southwest and I’m excited!
As I traveled, I had an epiphany and realize the spirit of going into the unknown comes from our ancestors who came to a better place, “Go west young man!” a pioneer courage that is the foundation of who we are. When you travel around the country chasing a dream, mighty forces ramble with you. To a “normal” person, it’s a life style that few can relate.
The Acoma Pueblo is the oldest continuously inhabited community in the U.S. In the 12th century it was built in part for a defense against raiders. Now it’s inhabited by a travel center, RV park and Wendy’s. The Sky City casino stands 65 miles west of Albuquerque like an oasis to a person who has a drinking and gambling problem. The show goes over like a televangelist opening for Nine Inch Nails. 5 people in the audience all over the age of 60, I was not prepared for that! They looked at me like I was the anti-Christ. The show sucked to say the least!!! As I headed back to Albuquerque after the show, my Geo breaks down on I-40. Great! Now what I’m I going to do? I called my road side assistance and I had to stay in my car because I’m not going to stand outside with rattlesnakes and other critters. I’m in the right hand shoulder of the highway and instead of having my flashers on; I had just my left blinker on instead. That way approaching traffic from behind thinks I’m about to get on the highway and they might move over one lane so I don’t get hit waiting for the tow truck. Always be prepared for the worst and always have a breakdown plan in case you need it. I’m happy to say all ended well, alternator belt broke, so it was no big deal and thanks to the 5 people who were nice enough not to walk out of the show.
Join me again next week and until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
What do I do? I had to ask myself that question as I was meditating one night before bed, OK maybe I was more MEDICATing then “tating”. None the less, I pondered that self inquiry and if one is not expecting that, it could raise some self doubt. “What do I do?”- The little voice that my therapist calls “Ego Danny” catechized. Without delay I answered myself in a mumble that would have made anybody feel uncomfortable that may or may not have been sitting at that particular bar.
I save lives! Yes, I do and no, I don’t have a cape, not even a leather mask, with spikes…I swear, really I don’t. I do stand-up comedy, I write and for the last 10 years I been teaching Comedy Defensive Driving classes. These are driving safety courses that the good, friendly, kind folks of Texas take to dismiss a traffic ticket, if they just so happen to exceed the posted speed limit or various other moving violations. Yes, we are friendly drivers in Texas. When you enter Texas from Oklahoma on I-35, the sign that greets galvanized travelers says: “Welcome to Texas – Drive Friendly – The Texas Way – Proud Home of President George W. Bush”
I wonder if Austria has a welcome sign that pays tribute to Hitler.
Yeah we’re friendly, we’ll wave at you after we’ve cut you off, flipped you off and all with no blinker…and then we will shoot ya! After the Texas howdy sign, the first commercial building you see in the Lone Star state is an adult video store! Yea for Bible belt porn!
Anyway, back to the “saving lives” part. I teach these classes and at the same time I feel like I’m contributing to society, by promoting driver safety. It would sound cliché to say “even if it just helps one person”. Ego Danny says, “Hell no! I want it to SAVE every one of my students!” That’s why I’m designing a new curriculum for our school, that I think goes steps further than the minimum state requirements and it been sanitized for our students protection. For instance; when being pulled over by the cops, always pull over to the right had shoulder or in a well lit parking lot area, anywhere that is safe for you and Barney Fife. Don’t go reaching for your purse or into your glove box for any reason, Dirty Harry might think you are going for a gun or stashing dope. Keep your hands on the steering wheel and don’t argue with Sherriff Rosco P. Coltrane. This will most likely insure that you will have a pleasant traffic ticket experience. But if you do have a cop who is an ass, don’t argue, just take the ticket and report him later.
For the next few weeks I’ll be including some of our curriculum dates and passing them on to you. Why, because I want it to help all of my five readers. Join me next week, until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
A Bill is being introduced, AB 2254 to the California Legislators in November, 2010 to legalize, tax and regulate marijuana. 57 percent of the voters who were polled are in favor to legalize it.
I think Arnold Schwarzenegger and certain California Lawmakers are on a “mission from God”; It will become law. Marijuana, weed, grass, Mary Jane, Buddha, wacky tobaccy…will be legal in California; THE FIRST SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
All the potheads will want to move to Cali, bringing with them all their sinfulness and clothes made of hemp. Once they cross the state line with their earth conscious automobiles or Greyhound buses into the Golden State, the land of milk and honey…and lots of munchies; THE SECOND SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
Disneyland will have all kinds of magic! Mickey Mouse will have bloodshot eyes! Peter Pan will be smoking a bowl with Tinkerbell, thus; THE THIRD SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
Jobs and billions in tax revenue will be created. Crime will be reduced and it will cut funding to the drug cartels, not to mention it will reduce police corruption; THE FOURTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
The hippies will want to have a rock concert “love festival” somewhere in the Bay Area, with satanic rock-n-roll bands and gangsta rappers. They’ll talk about loving one another, peace…and the dawning of the “Age of Aquarius”; THE FIFTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN, because some stoner tried to make a bong out of it.
Now that all the “bad people” will be living in California, the wretched will be in one place; THE SIXTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
God will start his wrath. With a vengeance, he will take his mighty arm and slam it on to the west corner of the continent causing a catastrophic earthquake, dumping California into the Pacific Ocean; THE SEVENTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN. God’s cleansing will be complete.
OK maybe that’s not going to happen but if it did, holy s#!%, I would be asked to go on Montel and they would call me Danny the Nostradumass. Now, I’m not anti-alcohol or drugs for that matter, do what you do, right? Just don’t get behind the wheel and make that choice or argument that “even if I hit something, it’s only gonna be at 6 miles per hour.”
Don’t smoke or drink and drive, there are too many options, designated driver, taking keys away from a stoner (that’s always a fun time-so take up the keys before they start breaking out the Doritos), spend the night at wherever you are partying, call a cab, call for a ride. Even AAA has a program for safe rides and Narcotics Anonymous too, I think or so I’ve heard. Here’s a suggestion; smoke out at home, alone watching Karate Kid or Half Baked or around a drum circle. Over 17,000 people are killed in DUI related crashes every year in the U.S.
PLEASE DON’T CONTRIBUTE! Have a good time but be sensible!
Write me with your comments and suggestions; I would love to hear them. Until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
I think when we stop hating other human beings because of race, sexual orientation and ideology/religion, we will be ready. When we stop following the false idol of currency, killing each other and ourselves, we will be ready! When we stop destroying our planet, the home that was giving to us and all living beings, WE WILL BE READY!! As spiritual living beings we will have evolved to be ready for certain answers to life’s questions that have plagued philosophers, theologians, scientists, artists and stoners since the beginning of time or at least since the 60’s.
Like, “What is the meaning of life?”
“Why do we exist, rather than not exist?”
“Why hasn’t Van Halen put out any new music lately?”
Last week NASA unveiled new pictures of the Sun. The images showed God at work, converting hydrogen to helium through nuclear fusion, providing energy for life for all living things on our planet. Not to mention providing in part the gravity (Hands of God) that holds us in place. Now this almost sounds silly but since I have to relate this to driving, have you ever thought about the effects the Sun has on our driving? Yea OK, so use your sun visor, make sure it’s pointed away from your head (Ouch!) and buy some “cheap sunglasses”, come to think of it, ZZ top hasn’t done anything either! Make sure your sunglasses have 100% UVA and UVB radiation protection and preferably have Polycarbonate lenses. Sunglasses experts (and yea there are actually guys who are experts at this) will say the most expensive brands aren’t necessary the best glasses, so shop around.
Pictures of the Sun like the ones NASA just released, images of newborn stars in the Eagle nebula from the Hubble telescope (1995) and the wig on Donald Trump’s head have always intrigued me. It has also made me realize that we are building better cameras to get a better look at God. Being a fan of Astronomy is getting me closer to the awaking that all living things are connected, past present and future. In what way, one might ask? We are living beings sharing this planet. “All we are is dust in the wind”, OK that’s the last classic rock reference I’m going to make! I said it before, one of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see it the world.” And Whitesnake said, “Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.” Sorry, I couldn’t help it.
I would like to dedicate this week’s blog to artist, past, present and future around the world who are persecuted for their art and expression. There are too many to name but here are just a few:
Yuri Samodurov and Andrei Yerofeer – director and curator, Sakharov Museum in Moscow
Max Bechmann – German artist
Mizgin – Kurdish musician
Kurt Westergaard – Danish artist
Artists in the Tongzhou district in Beijing
Join me again next week and keep sending in your comments and e-mails. Until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
I was reading about frivolous lawsuits and about the asshole lawyers who clog up the courts with these cases. No wonder there are so many lawyer jokes. (What do you call a hundred lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?…A start.) Now if someone has been truly victimized, then may justice and restitution be bestowed upon them! But with all these frivolous lawsuits, when will Capitalism start taking out personal injury lawyers? They circle around the wagons of companies waiting to pounce like a rich cougar on a pool boy. I hope there is a special Hell for lawyers and who have forgotten about justice and have been seduced by greed; they have to sit and watch “The Rainmaker” over and over for eternity.
We all remember the Mc Donald’s coffee lady, right? Well this one beats that! A guy buys a milkshake and rear-ends another driver because he is not paying attention. So the guy who got hit sued McDonald’s because, get this…McDonald’s “failed to warn customers about the dangers of eating and driving.” The plaintiff reportedly was threatened by a clown wearing red and yellow and was sexual assaulted by a large purple grimace. The case was thrown out of court.
In 2008, a man sued the family of the 17-year-old boy he’d hit and killed for the damage that the boy’s body did to his Audi. Under public pressure, he later dropped his lawsuit. Not surprisingly, the man was nominated for “Asshole of the Decade”…and won. He beat out Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden and Rush Limbaugh.
Now this one takes the cake of shit when it comes to frivolous lawsuits;
In the mid-1990s, a blind man was given the gift of a Seeing Eye Dog. “Allegedly” the dog stepped on a woman’s foot in a shopping mall. I’m sure it wasn’t on purpose.
The woman sued the dog’s owner, Southeastern Guide Dogs (a non-profit group), for “mental pain and suffering.” (Maybe the dog tried to hump her too.) After being ridiculed in newspapers and on CNN, the plaintiff dropped the lawsuit.
Now of course one can be cynical and lose faith in humanity when they hear about stories like those that the main stream media loves to report. Greed, someone got caught doing something wrong, war, pandemics, economic loss and then cut to commercial so you will buy things and consume. But what about the people who are not tainted and help others out the kindness of their hearts. Rarely do you hear about this. How many times have we had to sign this, initial here, that way it releases any liability from a company if something goes wrong. I guess the point I’m trying to make is this; don’t blame others for your own stupidity and if someone else makes an honest mistake, don’t sue because someone stepped on your foot!! We all get the case of “the Dumb Ass” from time to time, nobody’s perfect. Join me again next week and until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! http://www.24hoursfordarfur.org/main.php
“The meaning of life is to enjoy.” – His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada Baklava…
…that last part of the name makes me hungry for Mexican food! Just kidding, Baklava (Middle Eastern pastry) is not part of his name. Now before I start this blog I just want to say, I have respect and an open mind in regards to other people’s personal religious views.
The other night I was reading The Science of Self-Realization a book from the Krishna Consciousness. The book was most captivating, spiritual arousal manifested to its highest in my mind as I read this book that broke everything down when it came to life’s questions in the most reflective way that even a layman like myself could understand…of course I was stoned when I read the book. (Warning; DO NOT read Hare Krsna books under the influence especially if you are lost in life. You will wind up with your head shaved and a 21 Jump Street pony tail, looking like a bartender in West Hollywood.) As I read this book, it got me thinking how these religious/spiritual books that talk about love, happiness and being in touch with one’s own Higher Power also pertains to driving as well. I mean think about it. You spend let’s say, 30 minutes going to work and another 30 minutes back home. Five times a week on average, multiply that by 50 weeks a year (one week deducted for vacation and another for sick days)…that’s 250 hours a year! That doesn’t even include all the other times you drive! So driving is a big part of our life, why not enjoy it!? I know this is easier said than done. I know there are times we are in a rush to get to work, an appointment, a date or coming home in the morning after a date before your spouse wakes up. We don’t have time to stop and smell the smog, we need to get there!! I’m not saying to relax to the extent that you are driving like granny on Xanax and Scotch, but maybe just reminding yourself to take it easy every now and then. As a society, it seems like we are always in a hurry to get to our destination, less we forget, the only sure destination is the grave. That was a buzz kill. But if you are always driving like Stevie Wonder hoped up on coke you will get to that destination earlier than expected. Taking a little time to enjoy life may have a profound effect on your driving habits. If you’re not so high-strung from life’s drama episodes, you might not have that much road rage (a lesson I need to learn, too!) and the family dog might not get kicked so much.
Here’s to you finding your happiness (raising a glass) and by the way, I wasn’t smoking weed, stay in school, kids. Keep sending in your comments and emails and join me again next week, until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! http://www.24hoursfordarfur.org/main.php
www.dannykeaton@yahoo.com
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
Next month I turn the big 4-O and I think I had my very first mid-life crises episode on the way to work. Just seems like yesterday I was 19 and I had the answers to everything. Now that I’m 39 and yes I’m still holding on to my thirty’s damn it!!!!! (CLUE #1 – When one refuses to let go of the past and look to the future)… I’ve come to realize, I don’t know shit! But I know a hellava lot more than I did when I was 19. I’m cool with that… (CLUE #2 – The Dude is still trying to use “Way cool” words)…I mean, who cares if back in the day I could party all night with “No Fear” and wind up in New Orleans on a whim. Now I say “I can’t do that, I don’t have medical insurance”…yet, thanks Obama! (OK now I’ve probably pissed off half of my readers…or with my lucky probably both of them.) I’m older and wiser, but I’m still holding on to the sensible, yet gratifying ways of my unscrupulous approach to life.
On my way to my defensive driving class a song by Bob Seger came on the radio, Against the Wind. The profound lyrics made me think of my life so far and at the same time, “Beat myself up” for not accomplishing past goals, instead of realizing the here and now is where I need to be, appreciate life, set new goals and strive to be a better person. (CLUE #3 – You starting sounding like Tony Robbins without the use of marijuana)
As my intuitive perception into myself made distorted reality swirled around in my head, the traffic was starting to come to a stop. By the looks of it, an accident off to the left was going to make me getting to work on time impossible. The GPS in my head was having a slight hangover, from only three beers the night before and suggested I take the next exit onto the service road to avoid the gridlock. My first inclination was wrong! As soon as I hit the red light infested access road, the freeway traffic, starts to move at a steady pace. Had I just stayed on I would be traveling! So goes life, just when you think you have the correct answer, the universe steps in and reminds you that you can still be a dumbass sometimes!
Despite my attitude towards my navigational decision, I still made it to class on time. My spiritual awakening helped rejuvenate my “part time, when convenient” passion for helping someone else in the form of a defensive driving instructor. You know what, I think I’m going to enjoy my forties and live it to its fullest!
Keep sending in your e-mails and comments, they are all greatly appreciated. I think now I want to get a sports car and an ear ring and go clubbing. (CLUE #4 – Do I really have to say it?) Until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! http://www.24hoursfordarfur.org/main.php
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
dannykeaton@yahoo.com
El Paso, Texas aka The Pass, Hell’s Pass, Hell Paso. This intriguing and mysterious border town is a Mexican oasis nestled in the baron Chihuahuan Desert. The Pass, as it is appropriately named is one of the top four most unique cities in the United States, in my opinion. Mark Twain’s top four were San Francisco, New Orleans, Boston and San Antonio. I agree with the first two, but I would insert Santa Fe and El Paso in place of Beantown and S.A. When you enter the El Paso city limits, you pass into a world different from anything you’ve ever seen or felt. El Paso has a vibe that few cities can claim. That vibe at times seems shady and diabolic, other times you sense a warm fiesta and warm smiles of people that inhabit this city of wonder. From my experience of meeting some the natives, I’ve learned a lot about the local culture. Unfortunately I’ve been sworn to secrecy and I’m not allowed to talk about certain things I’ve seen or a particular bar on the edge of town that a lady friend took me to and woke up the next morning in a shit motel on Dyer street. When you drive down Interstate 10, I can’t help but listen to that song from Marty Robbins, when he sings about El Paso City and it’s almost like you can reach over and touch Mexico. This place almost sounds too good to be true, now here’s the flip side, the drivers in El Paso suck! Traffic lights that turn yellow and speed limits don’t mean shit to those people! I was driving down the freeway and I saw this bumper sticker on a mini van that said, “honk if you love Jesus” so I honked and the driver fliped me off. That wasn’t supposed to happen. It seems like common courtesy is becoming a thing of the past. I would like to change that, starting with myself. Next time someone has their blinking on, I will let them in. I promise not to flip them off or try to run their stupid ass off the road. Well that’s all I have to say about that.
Tell me about your list of the most intriguing cities in the U.S. or send any comments or e-mails. Thanks and join me again next week and until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! http://www.24hoursfordarfur.org/main.php
dannykca@yahoo.com
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
A Fauxlebrity is someone who is a “fake celebrity” A person with no talent who is often thrusted into the limelight usually because of reality TV, being the offspring of a celebrity or associated with someone who is talented. But let us not forget the biggest fauxlebrities of them all, the heir of someone else’s fortune. Now I don’t have to list the names of these no-talent charlatans, I’m sure many names come to mind from Yoko Ono to Paris Hilton to the kids of rock-stars in reality TV shows.
Reality TV is the biggest reason for the overflow of fauxlebrities and the death of entertainment in American pop culture. Several female simpletons fighting over a narcissistic guy with the help of edited, staged drama is somehow called “reality”. Show me a single mom working, trying to support her kids in today’s tough times, NOW THAT’S REALITY! Another great idea for a reality show would be to get a fauxlebrity behind the wheel of a Toyota and see if they can come to a stop, without crashing their car or try to pull out of a parking space without destroying property. Pop culture and reality TV has distorted our sense of reality!
Pop culture has changed dramatically throughout the decades as expected. But for some reason I think it’s taking a turn for the worst. Take “TV dads” for instance, back in the 50’s it was “Father Knows Best” and Ward Cleaver, the family had good wholesome values. In the 60’s the counter culture started to emerge in society through music and cinema but our TV dads where still untainted. Even in the 70’s with the country divided on the Vietnam War, we all still agreed that Mike Brady was a good role model and made the almost perfect dad. Isn’t it ironic that no one knew that the actor who played Mike Brady, Robert Reed was gay in real life? In the 80’s, the country was ready for an African American TV dad. Dr. Huckstable took the part of prime time’s father figure. In the 1990’s things started to go downhill for pop culture. The phrase, “who’s your daddy?” came about and no one knew who their daddy was, so we made one up, Homer Simpson. Now in the new millennium, drug induced rock stars and racist bounty hunters are the TV dads of America and along with them came the onslaught of fauxlebrities. Show these entertainment executives and advertisers that you do not support fauxlebrities by choosing your entertainment wisely and not watching E! Network.
Join me again next week and keep sending in your emails and comments, until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
http://www.facebook.com/people/Danny-Keaton/100000575070020?ref=search