You and your girlfriend are sitting in a fancy restaurant looking over the menu.Of course there are no prices listed on the side, that means bend over, you are about to take it in the wallet! You sense a vibe, a premonition that something bad is about to happen.Just then your honey, your sweetie, your love kitten… says,
“I don’t know how to say this…”
There is an approaching vehicle coming in at 9 o’clock.
“…so I’ll just go ahead and say it…”
Brace yourself, you are about to get hit.
“…I want to see other people…”
The impact occurs in a slow surreal motion.Dis-belief goes through your mind, then reality, you’ve just been in an emotional crash.
You see her lips moving but you don’t hear a sound, as a matter of fact you can’t hear anything, shock is setting in.Try to remain calm, help is on the way.
“Are you ok?” she asks.
“Yes, are you?”
“Yeah” she replies in a sense of relief.
For some reason the next words out of your mouth go like this, “Do you have insurance?”She takes that question as a threat and quickly gets up from the table.Then you politely ask her, “Can you at least split the bill, you whore!”
As you drive home all alone with your shirt soaked from red wine and the imprint of her hand on your face, you can’t help but wonder what went wrong.What could I’ve done different?Hind sight races through your mind as you race through the streets.You are about to hit the intersection when your field of vision catches moment from the side.
There is an approaching vehicle coming in at 9 o’clock.
Brace yourself, you are about to get hit.
The impact occurs in a slow surreal motion.Dis-belief goes through your mind, then reality, you’ve just been in an auto crash.
According to a major insurance company, 1/3 of all accidents happen in intersections.According to a psychiatrist, 2/3 of all relationships end because someone was a lying, cheating bastard…or whore!So, what could you have done different, well for one, when you go through an intersection look both ways, don’t assume nobody is going to run the red light.When you are in a relationship look both ways, don’t be blinded by love…or lust and ignore the telltale signs, working late, never answers their cell after 9pm.Relationships are a lot like driving, you got to pay attention to what you are doing.Don’t be in such a rush, take it easy and if it breaks down, don’t worry, you’ll get a new one…one with better features!
Keep sending in your comments and stories, I always enjoy reading them. Join me again next week and until then…
Ah, there are so many things to be thankful for in this beautiful month of November, leaves changing colors, football, turkey dinner, the cool crisp air of a fall night and all the friendly drivers I see every day on the freeways in Dallas. People closing the gap when someone has their signal on to change lanes, cutting off other drivers and shooting the bird, these are really just disguised friendly gestures of love and compassion. Can you tell I’m on the upside of my Manic Depression?
But for all the real, friendly drivers out there, I just want to say; I love you and I appreciate you with all my heart. You are the one who lets in three cars at a time, why, because you like to see people wave at you. When someone turns on their signal, you don’t speed up, so they can make it to their destination a little faster.
Yes, I am thankful for all the drivers out there, even the assholes, because without you I wouldn’t have anything to write about. So let’s take a moment in this time of giving thanks and reflect on all our blessings. Next time someone cuts you off instead of honking at him, speed up and cut him off, that way he’ll run off the highway and flip the vehicle five times resulting in a fiery crash. I hope your holiday is a peaceful one and be sure and join us again next week. Until then…
The month of November always brings fond memories of holiday seasons past. It’s hard to forget the entertaining turkey dinners with my aunt and uncle who always fought like they were on the Jerry Springer Show or my gay cousin who incidentally lived in San Francisco, would always catch crap from his homophobic dad. But my favorite memory of them all was my alcoholic Grandpa. His drunken philosophy, theology and political views were a masterpiece of obscure babel. With all these elements it was like having a dysfunctional mystery dinner theater. The mystery being, you never knew what was going to be said next, that would make an un-suspecting family member cry and run out the door.
Also, I remember the super cab pick-up truck me and my two sisters along with our parents and one senile great aunt would drive down to San Antonio. The long trip from Fort Worth seemed like it took forever. No DVD screens, no satellite radio, GPS or even a cell phone to keep in touch with the outside sane world. Instead we got to hear my dad make empty threats on how he was going to turn that truck around and go back if we didn’t stop fighting. Now with all the luxuries of home in our car at our disposal, it’s easy to appreciate modern technology. I am very thankful for all the automobile amenities that have become part of our daily driving lives. But when not used properly these helpful tools can be a deadly distraction.
But most of all I’m thankful that I have a car that gets me to work without violently shaking on the freeway like it’s having a panic attack. I’m thankful for the driver who lets me into traffic and I show that thankfulness with a wave (using all five fingers). I’m thankful to the motorist who uses their signals and I am especially thankful that I don’t have to go to those psycho Thanksgiving dinners anymore. I would love to read your Thanksgiving family memories. Send us your comment or e-mail and I’ll be glad to post them. Join me again next week and until then…
I would like to start this blog off with wishing you and your’s a safe and happy All Hallows Eve, Halloween, All Souls and All Saints holiday.There will be gobblings, witches, mummies, vampires and Lady Gagas on the streets trick or treating, but even scareier than that, drunk drivers will be on the same roads.I think it’s kinda ironic, instead of “Chester the Molester” approching kids and offering candy, the kids will conveniently come to Chester’s house and solicit the goodies. If you don’t give up the candy to these Twilight/New Moon wannabes, these little bastards will vandalize your sporty SUV or shave your cat!I’ve got a solution to these juvenile heathens, B.B. gun and night vision goggles. Be extra careful on the roads for ghoulish pedestrians and drunk driving draculas.If you are going to drink, plan ahead.Spend the night with a vampire.Get Frankenstein to drive you home as long as Frankie hasn’t been drinking the Jesus juice.Take those keys away from the Werewolf who’s had a few too many salty dogs.
I hope this Halloween is the best yet and I hope you have many more to come.We will have our videos up again soon, so keep checking back.Also, I would like to thank everyone who has sent in their comments and suggestions.Join me again next week and until then…
First of all I would like to apologize about not having the video blog up, due to circumstances beyond my control. Which brings me to an important subject one that we can all relate to, things that happen on the road that are beyond our control. It takes you thirty minutes to get from work back to the house. You plan on meeting someone you met online at a bar across town after you go home and take a shower. On the way home you are stuck in a traffic jam, just then you hear about it on the radio’s traffic report, a little too late! You call your new friend to tell them you are gonna be running behind and of course they understand. Wow, that’s a good sign, at least they are not freaking out like that psycho would have in your last relationship.
You get home, take a shower, pluck nose hairs, check your Facebook and take some protection. You never know what might happen, that keychain of mace might come in handy. And if you’re a guy and you carry mace, you might want to stop hanging out at truck stops. You are driving down the freeway, thinking of the night ahead when all of a sudden you realize you have a flat tire. What else could possibly go wrong?! You call your date to tell them the bad news and there are no bars on your phone! In a panic you pull over, off the freeway to change the tire. You are changing that flat in record time that would rival any NASCAR pit crew. But still, now you are even further behind schedule! You finally get to the bar only to find your future Ex is not there, possibly went home because they got tired of waiting.
Un-expected things can happen out on the road. Even if you plan well ahead and you have GPS with real time traffic reports, nobody is immune to road delays. Try not to panic and realize it’s better to be late and still alive. Next week we should have the wacky videos back up and running. Thanks for all the comments and e-mails, until next week…
Everybody exceeds the speed limit from time to time. You’re running late for work. You’re in a rush to get home or maybe you are in a rush to get the hell out of the house because she is throwing all your s#!* at you! For whatever the reason, speeding seems to be necessary. We have all been in these situations where you are stopped at a red light and the car next to you takes off like a bat out of hell as soon as the light turns green. One block down the road, the light has turned red and you catch up to that speed demon at the next intersection and you glance over at them and think “what a dumb ass.” Or you approach a light that has just turned red and you look at the cars already stopped and you get behind the one that you think will be the fastest one out of the gate. It’s like a cat and mouse game out there, we speed and the cops try to catch us, using everything from radar guns to unmarked police cars, aircraft, cameras and even bicycle cops. Nothing is more embarrassing than being pulled over by a guy with a helmet. “If the government didn’t want us to speed then they shouldn’t allow automobile manufactures to make car that go so fast!” That was an actual statement by one of my defensive driving students! “If everyone obeyed the posted speed limits, towns across America would turn into ghost towns because of lost revenue.” That was another statement by another one of my students, who I suspect was under the influence of Mary Jane, but I think there is some truth to that. If you are driving five or seven over the limit on the highway and you haven’t been drinking alcohol and you are not being distracted, are you really public enemy number one, probably not.
Join me again next week and we will talk about ways to get out of a speeding ticket. Until then…
This whole month of October we are going to be focusing on speed limits.Speed limit signs are a great concept that could apply to relationships as well.Think of it as “relationships limits.”She has asked you about your last girlfriend, “Slow down, you’re exceeding the relationship limit!”Or how about this one; you pass gas around her within one month of dating.That is definitely breaking the relationship limit!
I hear people all the time praising the Autobahn in Germany.No limits, you can drive over 100mph!Yeah, but when they have an accident, there is usually nothing left of the cars, execpt a few pieces of scrap metal and human tissue. Speed limits are there to regulate the flow of traffic. Without them, it would be chaos on the freeways and defensive driving/traffic schools would be out of business. There are speed limits in west Texas that are posted at 80mph, a speeder’s wet dream!In Oregon the speed limits on their interstates are only 65mph, a speeder’s nightmare! Some people actually think you can have a buffer on how much you can go over the limit.Hello!It’s called the “speed LIMIT”, not the “speed Kinda.”
Join me again next week and we will discuss the best excuses for speeding.I’m sure you have a few of your own.Remember, speed limits are a good thing.And so are limits on the relationship.Like my girlfriend but a limit on the backdoor.Apparently, I forget to wipe my feet when I come in from the out side.
Picking a good designated driver is easier than it seems. A designated driver is not the one who’s had the least amount of alcohol in your group of friends. It’s the person who does NOT drink for that night!
Once upon a Friday night, in a land far, far away in Garland, Texas, my girlfriend and I went bowling. It sounded like a good idea, plus I like bowling alleys because they look like they haven’t updated their décor since 1976. But most of all bowling alleys remind me of the many cinema classics such as Kingpin and of course The Big Lebowski, “Dude!” So my maiden and I set off on our journey to the Bowlarama. After twenty frames, I decided to drink some merry spirits at the establishment’s tavern. In other words, I got shit faced in a bowling alley bar. This my friends, is the lowest form of drinking! When you have resorted to drinking in a bowling alley bar, you need to take a good hard look at your drinking habits. This place had the stench of loneliness and faded dreams in the smoky air. And there was nobody else in this place. All the smoke was coming from the bartender named Charlene, I saw her bowling pin name badge. After many Jack-n-Cokes, I noticed Charlene started to look sexy. Who cares if she only had one tooth, it looked like she brushed it and took good care of her tooth. But, I couldn’t make a move on the Hunchback of Bowlarama, I was there with my fair lady, damn her and her 32 teeth! With all I had to drink, there was no way I could operate a motor vehicle. What was I to do? Fortunate for me, my girlfriend wasn’t drinking alcohol! She was drinking cranberry juice because she had a bladder infection. So she took me home, but wasn’t getting any because she said it “burned down there”…
Designated drivers save lives, be a D.D. and pat yourself on the back for being a good person. Join me again next week and until then…
Losing your momentum when it comes to driving, this can relate to so many areas of life. Scene one, you are driving on the freeway, keeping a steady distance between you and the SUV ahead. Scene two, you are on a first date, keeping stupid remarks to yourself. Example; “Wow your breast are big, I have a sudden urge to wanna play Wack-a-Mole!” Back on the freeway, you are driving too close to the vehicle ahead. Their SUV is slowing down and now you have to slam on the brakes, instead of just easing off the gas pedal. Back to the bar, the alcohol is starting to hit and you mention your last relationship that ending up in a police report, instead of just saying an ingenious joke. Cut to scene one, since you were tailgating the other guy, because you were trying to figure out what movie they were watching, you just bought him a new Land Rover! Camera pans in on the bar. A song from Coldplay comes on and you get the bright idea to ask her back to your place. That’s when she tells you that she is celibate and thinking about becoming a nun. You’ve lost your mojo!! Keeping your momentum when you are driving saves on gas and emissions, not to mention you get to where you are going faster.
Join us again next week when we show you how to pick a designated driver. Thanks for all the comments and e-mails. Until then…
The physiological effects of alcohol, boy do I know this one all too well.Who among us has not prayed to the porcelain god at 3am?Who has ever woke up the next morning lying beside a bar beast or landing in jail because of Jose or Jack?Maybe you’ve said, “Man…sure I slept with her, but I was really drunk!”Come on, you knew what you were doing at the time, it’s just that alcohol helps you say, “Aw, what tha hell!”Hey don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be anit-alcohol, I love to drink.I’m not an alcoholic or at least that’s what I keep telling my therapist.I just like to have a good time every now and then with Jack Daniels…and maybe a one night stand after a show.But if you drink, regardless of your tolerance level, at some point you will be affected by the booze.So if you are gonna drink, plan ahead.Give your keys to a sober person, preferably someone you know and someone who won’t try and take advantage of you, unless you are into that sort of thing.Have a designated driver.Drink at home, alone, that way psycho problems start to develop, but at least you are a safe drinker.
Join us again next week.I hope you keep sending in your comments and suggestions.Until then…