With the increase of law enforcement agencies using “un-marked” police vehicles to help in fighting the “war on speeding,” it has made it easier for cowards to impersonate police officers.Police have been utilizing this clever tactic of minivans, SUVs and trucks in aiding with the element of surprise when it comes to road rage, drunk drivers as well as speeders.But as a woman or good looking’ dude (who looks like one of the fancy boys on Jersey Shore) be careful, pulling over immediately for an un-marked police car could be the end of your bottom chastity.
Always have a cell phone with you when you drive in case of an emergency.An emergency is not letting everyone know that you are driving on _____ (insert local freeway here) on your Facebook or Twitter but to have in-case you are being pulled over by an unmarked police car or you are involved in an accident or witness an accident.
This article is not meant to scare anyone; chances are very likely you will never be involved in these situations, especially if you look like Nancy Grace but just in-case:
A student of mine told me she was driving on a freeway in Dallas, Texas.A man in a Crown Vic pulled up beside her with a flashing blue light in the dash like Hawaii Five O.The man was waving a badge and motioning her to pull over.
“Something about it didn’t seem right.”
My student pulled her cell phone and called 911.When the predator saw the phone he took off.The 911 operator told her to keep driving; the police are on the way.She said they pulled over the imposter, ran his ID and come to find out he was a registered sex offender!
If an un-marked police car is attempting to pull you over hit your flashers and call 911, don’t pull over immediately! Get a general description of the car and license plate number if you can.Mile markers that correspond closely to an exit number on the highway are there for a reason and know where you are or at least a general idea of which one of the 50 states you’re in.
If you have 10 cars behind you with flashing red and blue lights….and a helicopter with an infrared spotlight on you, then it’s safe to pull over.
It’s hot!!Sweat starts to run down the crack of your a$%^…The bank clock reads; 101 degrees F and the “F” stands for, well, you know.Even your car has had enough of this heat wave and begins to overheat while you’re stuck in traffic, what would you do in this situation?Panic and wish you were in Fairbanks, Alaska?Pull off the road, pop up the hood and pour your ice-cold Slurpee over the engine?
Well there are a few options that will help you in this most uncomfortable predicament;
1.Pull over, open the hood and flap the hood up and down to create smoke signals.But then you realize you don’t know Apache smoke communication and you’ve accidently sent out a message that says, “Big white man fatty needs love too.”
2.Pull over; use extreme caution when opening the hood.If the car is steaming like a cheated angry wife, let the engine cool down before you open the hood.Check the upper and lower radiator hoses, are they cracked?Check the coolant reservoir tank, it’s that plastic jug looking thing that has a hose running to the radiator, is it empty? Use a rag or bra when opening the radiator cap, (MAKE SURE THE ENGINE IS COOLED DOWN FIRST!!!!!) does it have coolant?
Option number 3, if you don’t have time to pull over, turn on your heater, yes, I said turn on your heater!I know what you’re thinking, “but it’s the middle of August!”Hear me out, this really works; first, roll down your windows, turn the heater to the floor and blast it all the way!When you turn on the heater, it drains all the heat away from your engine and in a minute or two you will see the temperature gauge go down.SPECIAL NOTE:THIS DOES NOT FIX THE PROBLEM but it should be enough to get you to a mechanic or the bar.
Most of the time just simple vehicle maintenance can keep you from having headaches on the road and save you lots of money too.Have your radiator flushed and filled every two years.Check your fluids every time you have your oil changed.All this will ensure you will be a happy driver.
Have you ever broken up with someone and it somehow turned very violent?Small appliances being thrown, pictures ripped apart, getting kicked in the privates, all this can happen without warning.The same thing can happen if your vehicle gets submerged in water….
You walk into their apartment, make sure the steak knives are put away.You sit them down and you say the words …”I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”There, that wasn’t so bad, just like if your car goes off the road and into the water, unless you have driven off a bridge, the impact from your car rolling into water is a soft cushioned blow.Beware, just like breaking up, the next few seconds will make all the difference in the world on whetheryou surviveor not.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR CAR IS SINKING:
1.In the car; don’t panic!Gain your composure. There are over 10,000 vehicle submerging accidents in North America every year and 300 of them result in fatal drownings.In the breakup;
Don’t panic!Gain your composure.Marriages, relationships, “friends with benefits” end all the time, you are not alone.
2.In the car; roll down your windows, the longer your car is in the water, the more of a chance your power windows will not work.In the breakup;get ready to hit that door, FAST!
3.In the car; undo your seatbelt.In the breakup; hit them with your belt!JUST KIDDING!
4.In the car; get the hell out of there, duh!In the breakup; GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!Make sure you got all your stuff you’ve had over at their house.Otherwise it will get burn in some sort of psycho, crazy bi-tch voodoo ritual.Or maybe that’s just some of the women I have dated.
Chances are very likely you will never be involved in a vehicle submerging.But if you do, just remember not to panic, this is something you can live through.And if you’re on the receiving end of a breaking up, it’s not the end of the world.Remember the words of Marylin Monroe, “Sometimes bad things happen so it can make way for better things to come.”
Why does a driver’s insurance rate drop at the age of twenty-five?
Recently, I was driving around in Irving, Texas listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ CD called Blood Sugar Sex Magik. When that album was released, I was 22 years old. Back then my driving sucked!! My insurance rates were high because of my gender and particularly because of my age.I drove my car like I drove through life, reckless.I would rush into a bad relationship like I was going through an intersection with a red light!Back then I hung out with a group of friends, like my age, that were into Native American Spirituality and we hung around the Dallas-Irving area and no, we didn’t play Dungeons and Dragons. We lived for the moment in our self deceived eternal youth. Like bohemians on the Ship of Fools we floated down the river of Nirvana.According to the insurance companies, we were in a high-risk age category for drivers more likely to cause an accident.Young drivers are inexperienced and they take more chances behind the wheel.
Yes, the good ‘ol days of grunge rock, the internet was new, we still had cassette players in our cars and I drove like a driver’s ed. school flunky.Now I believe or at least I hope my driving is much better, just don’t ask my girlfriend.I always use my turn signals even when I cut someone off.I make an effort to tell myself not to have road rage before I start my car.I don’t speed up to keep someone from moving over, most of the time.Even when there’s a homeless person standing on the side of a freeway off-ramp, I always make eye contact to tell them “no”, instead of acting like I have to concentrate to change the radio station.
Now to answer the question, “why does a driver’s insurance rate drop at the age of 25?In your brain, the cerebral cortex (frontal lobe) located behind the forehead, deals with complex decision making.This part of your brain does not fully develop until the age of twenty-five.For most men, it does NOT develop until 50, am I right, ladies??That’s why your 30 year old husband acts like he’s still in the 7th grade!
OK, back to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and driving in Irving, I had a spiritual awaking without the use of some organic substance. Unlike my Mantra of the past, “Live for today, F@%K tomorrow” my old school of philosophy has changed to “Slow down, you’re driving too fast!”, “Take it easy” and “Turn down that music, it’s too loud!”As I’m getting older, I’m gaining more experience and with that, come the wisdom. Just like a classic or antique automobile, you increase in value and prestige and along the way you pick up little pieces of dignity and unbridled pride.
Keep sending in your comments and e-mails.Join me again next week and until then…
Have you ever leaked something?Leaking oil (out into the Gulf) leaking diaper, leaking something out of your pants?OK, that was a little over the line, but think about the word “leak.” It just sounds nasty, L-E-A-K [Leek]The word “leak’ is synonymous with “damaged”something is wrong and it needs attention, it needs to be fixed or something worse will happen.
An engine oil leak is the worst kind of leak, unless you’re leaking something out of your “privates.”In that case you will want to seek medical attention and you might want to say something to your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/friend with benefits.But if your engine is leaking oil you will want to seek mechanical attention.Here’s tha skinny on engine oil leaks:
After six or seven years (sooner if you drive a foreign car, so buy AMERICAN DAMNIT!!!) of running your engine, the gaskets and seals start to deteriorate due to wear and tear.Most likely engine oil leaks happen in these areas:
1.VALVE COVER GASKET
2.OIL PAN GASKET
3.TIMING CHAIN COVER
4.FRONT AND REAR CRANKSHAFT SEALS
Now you can change a valve cover gasket easily in most vehicles (unless you drive foreign cars…buying foreign cars cost Americans their jobs, did you know that?)But if you change the valve gasket yourself do not use sealer on rubber gaskets, only use sealer on cork gaskets.And make sure you don’t drink alcohol while working on your car.You’ll scream “OUCH!” a lot and when you have finished the job, you have extra parts of your car left over.The front and rear crankshaft seals are much more difficult to replace yourself, so ladies get a boyfriend who is a mechanic or a bumper-to-bumper extended auto warranty.But weight the pro’s and con’s, “auto warranty” doesn’t result in a protective order, mechanic ex-boyfriend with a drinking problem, does.
But how do you know if your engine is leaking oil?Well here’s the inside dope on that one too.Park your car over night, preferably at someone else’s house so you don’t mess up your own driveway.The next morning, check the spot you parked your car.Is there a dark puddle, does it have a purple like swirl to it? Does it look like an ice-cream topping at Sonic?If the answer is yes, then you have a leak, my friend.If the puddle is yellow, that means someone or something peed in the driveway.Yes, that’s gross but it’s better than an oil leak.Pee-pee leak problem on your driveway can be taken care of with a shotgun, oil leak problem requires dinero.
I hope you got something out of this week’s blog and I hope nothing leaks on you, unless you’re into that sort of thing, FREAK!Keep those e-mails and comments coming in, I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to write.If you have any suggestions or blog ideas, send them in!Join me again next week and until then…
Ever shopped around for auto warranties? You really got to do your homework, new car warranties, extended auto warranties, bumper to bumper or powertrain, not to mention third party warranties. But which one will keep your car on the road without having to eat mac and cheese or Raman Noodles for dinner?
I was thinking in my infinite wonder of sometimes stupid ideas, that; wouldn’t it be great if there was Datefax for prospective dates? You know, just like Carfax or Angie’s List, you could look up someone’s reviews of past relationships they’ve been in to see what others have said about that seemingly “hot chick” you met at 24 hour Fitness. Now of course it would mostly be bias, heart-broken slander such as, “she never called me back after I asked her to pay the bill at a restaurant called the Mansion on Turtle Creek.” or “she’s a WHORE!!” Somehow the honest, creditable statements without the psycho babble would have to filter through. One could even predict how many feet in distance the other would have to stay away according to the protective order, once they became an ex.
All this made me think what would my Datefax report say about me? I contacted my high school sweetheart and my ex-wife through Facebook and the last phone number listed on the form from the Attorney General’s Office to get an honest (no matter how brutal) statement from my past wonderful relationships that sometimes ended in a police report. Not to mention that one that ended with her throwing an appliance at me and yelling “thanks for ruining my life!!” My ex-wife said “I’m sorry…I’m just not witty enough to come up with anything” and my high school girlfriend said she will get back to me. Hmmm, maybe they just don’t want to be reminded of what they lost, yeah…that’s it! Here is what my current girlfriend would say; “He’s a warm, passionate Latino who puts my feelings first.” I’m sure that would change if we broke up!
Back to the car warranties; there are two different basic types of warranties, new car warranty and extended auto warranty. The new car warranty has “bumper-to-bumper” which includes everything except “wear products” such as brakes and tires. A marriage warranty would replace sagging breasts with implants or male organ impotence with battery operated machinery. There is also the “powertrain” warranty, which includes the engine and transmission, anything that makes the car move, except a lead foot. The extended auto warranty, aka “factory warranty” also includes bumper-to-bumper. Either way make sure you do some research before buying a warranty, not to mention the Carfax report and having a vehicle checked out by a mechanic before you buy that used car. By mechanic, I mean a certified A.S.E. (National Institute for Automotive Service Excellence) mechanic, not some hillbilly who “fixes thangs.” although Hank/Bubba usually accepts payment in the form of cash or cases of Natural Light.
A young guy, by the name of Dan is moving in with his cougar who he met on Match.com. He plans a moving party of sorts and sends out E-vites to all the people he knows, with a long bed truck. He provides beer and pizza as an incentive to show up. Oh yeah, this is already starting out good, booze and manual labor, recipe for “Ouch that was my spleen!!!!”
Two out of ten invites show up for the free beer, Milwaukee’s Best. There was no mention of that in the Craig’s List ad Dan had to put out, because he doesn’t know that many people! Instead of tying down the mattress, Dan suggested to the drunker of his two new friends that they should just lay on the mattress to help weight it down….oh bad idea!!! The drunkard doesn’t lie on the mattress; he passes out on the mattress. The vehicle travels at 40 mph, then 45, then 50 when all of a sudden the DNA infested mattress goes flying out of the bed of the pick-up!! I think I hear a fat lady singing. Luckily the drunkard died instantly after his magic carpet ride ended abruptly. Thank God he didn’t feel the pain of his skull and flesh being ripped apart by the asphalt as it skidded down the road half the length of a football field, which oddly enough, is further than the St. Louis Rams could go. Now to some this might seem like cleaning out the gene pool, to others it’s a travesty of massive proportion because a mattress was ruined.
Be aware of flying debris and people coming out of trailers and open-bed pickup trucks. Drunken rednecks, frat boys and lawn care workers do not make cool hood ornaments, despite popular belief. Never stay behind a pickup truck loaded with furniture or you could wind up on the evening news.
By the way, have you ever seen just “one” shoe off to the side of the road? It’s always just one shoe! If you see a high-heeled shoe on the side of the road in Dallas, Texas, it probably belonged to a stripper by the stage name of “Cinderella” who got into a fight with her boyfriend and missed, if you see a shoe on the side of a lonely highway in Arizona, alien abduction. And by alien abduction, I mean illegal immigrants who needed a white guy to speak for them in case they got pulled over by the cops.
As a defensive driving instructor I hear stories about what my students have been hit by, ladders, PVC pipes, furniture, boats that come unhitched and dogs that are tied up and jump out of the truck and they don’t come unhitched, sorry PETA. We hear those unfortunate stories all the time. Take the time to secure your load; most states hold you liable if anything comes out of your vehicle or off your vehicle.
Join me again next week and until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
I was driving into the southwest on my way to Acoma, New Mexico to do a comedy show at the Sky City Casino in 2001. As I made my way into the land of enchantment an eerie essence took over my driving. This strange but familiar highway hypnosis of anticipation to the upcoming show takes command over my subconscious like a Native American cruise control. At the same time I hope that club has enough Jack Daniels to carry me through the night and Pepcid AC. I’m listening to my “southwest” mix CD consisting of U2, Marty Robbins, Mazzy Star and Dwight Yoakam. My mind drifts thinking of all the one night stands and the bars I’ve experienced in a drunken haze after shows in Tucson, Espanola, Roswell and walking barefoot at 3a.m. on the grimy sidewalks of that shady border town called El Paso. FYI, drivers DO NOT yield to pedestrians in El Paso City. I’m back in “God’s country” the southwest and I’m excited!
As I traveled, I had an epiphany and realize the spirit of going into the unknown comes from our ancestors who came to a better place, “Go west young man!” a pioneer courage that is the foundation of who we are. When you travel around the country chasing a dream, mighty forces ramble with you. To a “normal” person, it’s a life style that few can relate.
The Acoma Pueblo is the oldest continuously inhabited community in the U.S. In the 12th century it was built in part for a defense against raiders. Now it’s inhabited by a travel center, RV park and Wendy’s. The Sky City casino stands 65 miles west of Albuquerque like an oasis to a person who has a drinking and gambling problem. The show goes over like a televangelist opening for Nine Inch Nails. 5 people in the audience all over the age of 60, I was not prepared for that! They looked at me like I was the anti-Christ. The show sucked to say the least!!! As I headed back to Albuquerque after the show, my Geo breaks down on I-40. Great! Now what I’m I going to do? I called my road side assistance and I had to stay in my car because I’m not going to stand outside with rattlesnakes and other critters. I’m in the right hand shoulder of the highway and instead of having my flashers on; I had just my left blinker on instead. That way approaching traffic from behind thinks I’m about to get on the highway and they might move over one lane so I don’t get hit waiting for the tow truck. Always be prepared for the worst and always have a breakdown plan in case you need it. I’m happy to say all ended well, alternator belt broke, so it was no big deal and thanks to the 5 people who were nice enough not to walk out of the show.
Join me again next week and until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
What do I do? I had to ask myself that question as I was meditating one night before bed, OK maybe I was more MEDICATing then “tating”. None the less, I pondered that self inquiry and if one is not expecting that, it could raise some self doubt. “What do I do?”- The little voice that my therapist calls “Ego Danny” catechized. Without delay I answered myself in a mumble that would have made anybody feel uncomfortable that may or may not have been sitting at that particular bar.
I save lives! Yes, I do and no, I don’t have a cape, not even a leather mask, with spikes…I swear, really I don’t. I do stand-up comedy, I write and for the last 10 years I been teaching Comedy Defensive Driving classes. These are driving safety courses that the good, friendly, kind folks of Texas take to dismiss a traffic ticket, if they just so happen to exceed the posted speed limit or various other moving violations. Yes, we are friendly drivers in Texas. When you enter Texas from Oklahoma on I-35, the sign that greets galvanized travelers says: “Welcome to Texas – Drive Friendly – The Texas Way – Proud Home of President George W. Bush”
I wonder if Austria has a welcome sign that pays tribute to Hitler.
Yeah we’re friendly, we’ll wave at you after we’ve cut you off, flipped you off and all with no blinker…and then we will shoot ya! After the Texas howdy sign, the first commercial building you see in the Lone Star state is an adult video store! Yea for Bible belt porn!
Anyway, back to the “saving lives” part. I teach these classes and at the same time I feel like I’m contributing to society, by promoting driver safety. It would sound cliché to say “even if it just helps one person”. Ego Danny says, “Hell no! I want it to SAVE every one of my students!” That’s why I’m designing a new curriculum for our school, that I think goes steps further than the minimum state requirements and it been sanitized for our students protection. For instance; when being pulled over by the cops, always pull over to the right had shoulder or in a well lit parking lot area, anywhere that is safe for you and Barney Fife. Don’t go reaching for your purse or into your glove box for any reason, Dirty Harry might think you are going for a gun or stashing dope. Keep your hands on the steering wheel and don’t argue with Sherriff Rosco P. Coltrane. This will most likely insure that you will have a pleasant traffic ticket experience. But if you do have a cop who is an ass, don’t argue, just take the ticket and report him later.
For the next few weeks I’ll be including some of our curriculum dates and passing them on to you. Why, because I want it to help all of my five readers. Join me next week, until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
A Bill is being introduced, AB 2254 to the California Legislators in November, 2010 to legalize, tax and regulate marijuana. 57 percent of the voters who were polled are in favor to legalize it.
I think Arnold Schwarzenegger and certain California Lawmakers are on a “mission from God”; It will become law. Marijuana, weed, grass, Mary Jane, Buddha, wacky tobaccy…will be legal in California; THE FIRST SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
All the potheads will want to move to Cali, bringing with them all their sinfulness and clothes made of hemp. Once they cross the state line with their earth conscious automobiles or Greyhound buses into the Golden State, the land of milk and honey…and lots of munchies; THE SECOND SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
Disneyland will have all kinds of magic! Mickey Mouse will have bloodshot eyes! Peter Pan will be smoking a bowl with Tinkerbell, thus; THE THIRD SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
Jobs and billions in tax revenue will be created. Crime will be reduced and it will cut funding to the drug cartels, not to mention it will reduce police corruption; THE FOURTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
The hippies will want to have a rock concert “love festival” somewhere in the Bay Area, with satanic rock-n-roll bands and gangsta rappers. They’ll talk about loving one another, peace…and the dawning of the “Age of Aquarius”; THE FIFTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN, because some stoner tried to make a bong out of it.
Now that all the “bad people” will be living in California, the wretched will be in one place; THE SIXTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
God will start his wrath. With a vengeance, he will take his mighty arm and slam it on to the west corner of the continent causing a catastrophic earthquake, dumping California into the Pacific Ocean; THE SEVENTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN. God’s cleansing will be complete.
OK maybe that’s not going to happen but if it did, holy s#!%, I would be asked to go on Montel and they would call me Danny the Nostradumass. Now, I’m not anti-alcohol or drugs for that matter, do what you do, right? Just don’t get behind the wheel and make that choice or argument that “even if I hit something, it’s only gonna be at 6 miles per hour.”
Don’t smoke or drink and drive, there are too many options, designated driver, taking keys away from a stoner (that’s always a fun time-so take up the keys before they start breaking out the Doritos), spend the night at wherever you are partying, call a cab, call for a ride. Even AAA has a program for safe rides and Narcotics Anonymous too, I think or so I’ve heard. Here’s a suggestion; smoke out at home, alone watching Karate Kid or Half Baked or around a drum circle. Over 17,000 people are killed in DUI related crashes every year in the U.S.
PLEASE DON’T CONTRIBUTE! Have a good time but be sensible!
Write me with your comments and suggestions; I would love to hear them. Until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican