Ever shopped around for auto warranties? You really got to do your homework, new car warranties, extended auto warranties, bumper to bumper or powertrain, not to mention third-party warranties. But which one will keep your car on the road without having to eat mac and cheese or Raman Noodles for dinner?

I was thinking in my infinite wonder of sometimes stupid ideas, that; wouldn’t it be great if there was Datefax for prospective dates? You know, just like Carfax or Angie’s List, you could look up someone’s reviews of past relationships they’ve been in to see what others have said about that seemingly “hot chick” you met at 24-hour Fitness. Now, of course, it would mostly be biased, heart-broken slander such as, “she never called me back after I asked her to pay the bill at a restaurant called the Mansion on Turtle Creek.” or “she’s a WHORE!!” Somehow the honest, creditable statements without the psycho-babble would have to filter through. One could even predict how many feet in distance the other would have to stay away from according to the protective order, once they became an ex.

All this made me think what would my Datefax report say about me? I contacted my high school sweetheart and my ex-wife through Facebook and the last phone number listed on the form from the Attorney General’s Office to get an honest (no matter how brutal) statement from my past wonderful relationships that sometimes ended in a police report. Not to mention that one that ended with her throwing an appliance at me and yelling “thanks for ruining my life!!” My ex-wife said “I’m sorry…I’m just not witty enough to come up with anything” and my high school girlfriend said she will get back to me. Hmmm, maybe they just don’t want to be reminded of what they lost, yeah…that’s it! Here is what my current girlfriend would say; “He’s a warm, passionate Latino who puts my feelings first.” I’m sure that would change if we broke up!

Back to the car warranties; there are two different basic types of warranties, new car warranty, and extended auto warranty. The new car warranty has a “bumper-to-bumper” which includes everything except “wear products” such as brakes and tires. A marriage warranty would replace sagging breasts with implants or male organ impotence with battery operated machinery. There is also the “powertrain” warranty, which includes the engine and transmission, anything that makes the car move, except a lead foot. The extended auto warranty, aka “factory warranty” also includes bumper-to-bumper. Either way make sure you do some research before buying a warranty, not to mention the Carfax report and having a vehicle checked out by a mechanic before you buy that used car. By mechanic, I mean a certified A.S.E. (National Institute for Automotive Service Excellence) mechanic, not some hillbilly who “fixes things.” although Hank/Bubba usually accepts payment in the form of cash or cases of Natural Light.

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton