X

Babies Are Mean

Child safety has gone from being an “option” to having enforced laws with stiff penalties. In Texas, a child must be secured in a booster seat or car seat until their 8th birthday or until they reach 4′ 9″. Whichever comes first. People are shocked when they hear this. These days, an eight year old has the mentality of a teenager. So it’s likely embarrassing for most kids. But it’s all about child safety. Not about humiliating kids. Although I’m all about humiliating kids. I have one of my own. And I’ve been trying to get back at her for all of the mean things she did to me when she was a baby. Like the church incident.  She was too young to go into the bible study class.  So she would sit on my lap on the pew.  When I would sing, she would put her hands over my mouth and cry.  We quit going to that church.  I was too embarrassed to return.  Even babies know if you have a terrible singing voice.  Bottom line…babies are mean.   I didn’t even have to punish mine.  Just riding in the back seat of the car, facing backwards in her car seat seemed to be punishment enough.  Although she couldn’t yet talk, I just knew she hated it.  Currently, an infant must remain in the backseat, facing backwards in their car seat until they are one year of age (or a size 12 months…I just threw that in).  Both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration released statements in March that suggest a child remain facing backwards until they are two or three years of age.  You know they’d have to redesign those car seats if they did change the law.  I know you’re thinking “those people who come up with the suggestions must not have children of their own”.  But, again, it’s all about child safety.  With a child, you can never be too safe. The logic behind these suggestions, babies tend to have large heads.  No, really, hear me out.  You ever see someone’s baby for the first time and you’re thinking to yourself “Wow! What a huge melon on that kid.”  And you anticipate that it’s first words will be “Take me to your Leader”.  That’s mean, isn’t it?  Again, I’m still trying to get back at babies for what they have done to me.  Not all babies are pretty.  I don’t care who the parents are.  Ever seen those paparazzi pictures of Brad and Angelina’s baby?  The head’s the size of a casaba melon.  Crib toys are rotating around this baby’s head.

My point?  Oh yea…large head, small neck.  In a front or rear end impact, the head jerks forward when facing forward.  Resulting in head, neck or spinal injuries.  While facing backward, the entire body absorbs the impact.  Hence the safety issue.

And, for those kids who won’t stay in their child car seat or booster seat?  Try duct tape.  It now comes in kid-friendly pastel colors.

Until next week… keep the kids strapped in.

Daun Thompson

Daun Thompson: Daun Thompson has spent years acting in both film and theatre which has been paramount in launching her onto the comedy stage (incidentally, without a helmet, resulting in a nasty concussion). Being a funny girl is a full time job. A job that she hopes that one day will come with dental benefits and a 401K. Unlike her work, she is biodegradable, yet flame retardant. And gentle to the touch. Her goal in life??? For strangers to approach her and ask "Didn't you used to be somebody?" In the late 1980's she cut her teeth at the Velveeta Room on 6th Street in Austin, Texas ... the original room with the stripper pole. From there, she moved to northern California and worked with many comedy icons, like Mitch Hedberg, Marc Maron, Colin Quinn, Vic Dunlop, Huck Flyn, Michael Mancini, Doug Ferrari, Shang and Brian Posehn. Daun has been a licensed driver safety instructor and trainer with Comedy Defensive Driving for over 9 years. Her knowledge of driving safety laws keeps her readers informed and engaged with her blog adventures. She still continues to do stand-up comedy, sometimes in a reclining position...just to be different.