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Traffic tickets on Monster vehicles? Probably a good idea…

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Needless “monster” vehicles, we see them all the time cluttering our freeways and taking-up two parking spaces. The Hummer is a prime example, this vehicle was used in the Persian Gulf War to take on the battle fields and help transport troops to destroy the enemy and somehow “The Gods of Pop Culture” also decided it would be great to transport kids to soccer practice and mom to Pilate’s class. Of course GM sold the modified civilian version of the Hum-Vee, I mean come on, would you really want a bunch of pus#@-yuppies feeling that empowered on the roadways?!?!

If you drive a Hummer you should be ashamed, you douche bag! What do you really need all that vehicle for anyway? Are you afraid that Neiman Marcus might go out of business and you needing some muscle to power your way through the parking lot of their “final days” sale? Or are you getting prepared for the apocalypse? The demographic that amuses me the most is the W.A.S.P. family driving the Hummer, living in a gated-community far away from minorities in the lush suburbs of American cities, now that’s a reality show!

Let’s not forget the 4×4 raised pick-up truck, this has “DUMBA…S” written all over it! I’m not talking about farm/work trucks that some people need to make a living, I’m talking about the “wife beater” who drives the pickup truck that you need a ladder to climb into. This is the kind of truck you need if you don’t like going to fast food drive-thru windows (I don’t blame you, they f#@k up your order anyway.)

And my favorite, the long-pimpmobile! A gas guzzling boat of a car with a DVD screen playing porn and blasting gangsta rap at the red light so we can all hear about a guy slapping his bitch. Have we really gotten that stupid with our vehicles? What happen to practicality? Whenever I see someone driving a Hybrid, “sensible” SUV or compact car, I think there is a person with common sense and when I see a person driving a small KIA, I think there is a person who cares about the environment or they have bad credit.

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

Driving under water and Breaking up is hard to do

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Have you ever broken up with someone and it somehow turned very violent? Small appliances being thrown, pictures ripped apart, getting kicked in the privates, all this can happen without warning. The same thing can happen if your vehicle gets submerged in water….

You walk into their apartment, make sure the steak knives are put away. You sit them down and you say the words …”I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” There, that wasn’t so bad, just like if your car goes off the road and into the water, unless you have driven off a bridge, the impact from your car rolling into water is a soft cushioned blow. Beware, just like breaking up, the next few seconds will make all the difference in the world on whether you survive or not.


1. In the car; don’t panic! Gain your composure. There are over 10,000 vehicle submerging accidents in North America every year and 300 of them result in fatal drownings. In the breakup;

Don’t panic! Gain your composure. Marriages, relationships, “friends with benefits” end all the time, you are not alone.

2. In the car; roll down your windows, the longer your car is in the water, the more of a chance your power windows will not work. In the breakup; get ready to hit that door, FAST!

3. In the car; undo your seatbelt. In the breakup; hit them with your belt! JUST KIDDING!

4. In the car; get the hell out of there, duh! In the breakup; GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! Make sure you got all your stuff you’ve had over at their house. Otherwise it will get burn in some sort of psycho, crazy bi-tch voodoo ritual. Or maybe that’s just some of the women I have dated.

Chances are very likely you will never be involved in a vehicle submerging. But if you do, just remember not to panic, this is something you can live through. And if you’re on the receiving end of a breaking up, it’s not the end of the world. Remember the words of Marylin Monroe, “Sometimes bad things happen so it can make way for better things to come.”

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

Who’s that good-looking person in the mirror?!

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Driver beware, there’s another driver around the corner who is so obsessed about their looks even Narcissus would say “Wow they are really in love with themselves! They should get a room…by themselves.”

They think their rearview mirror is a vanity mirror. Every five seconds they check themselves out, while driving 75 miles per hour on the freeway. Using your mirrors is an important part of driving, but don’t forget; when changing lanes, nothing beats a quick head check. If you or someone who know has a problem with using their mirrors properly, call us at Comedy Defensive Driving School at (214) 826-6339. Our 12 week drivers rehab facility will show them how to drive safely and courteously. Shock therapy at no addition charge but there is a large fee if you want to watch.

Tune in again next week, same time, same bat channel. Until then, take care and keep those comments coming in.

Be safe-
Danny Keaton

Welcome to the Main Event, The Old Driver vs. The Young Driver!

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OK, this one is going to raise some eyebrows, elderly drivers vs. teenage drivers, who’s the worst?  The little old lady who can barely look over the steering wheel wearing those giant sunglasses strong enough for a welder or the pimple face wearing his Hollister Dude gear texting his Betty without even having to look at the keys on the phone?  Which is more likely to slam into you?


Yes, there are some eighty and even ninety year olds who are good drivers and there are teenage drivers who don’t text message while driving; they probably had it taken away by their parents as punishment.  On average, which of the two do you think would be most likely to cause a ten car pile up on the freeway?


Let’s compare the two age groups in question: 16-20 and the 65+

According to the National Highway Traffic Administration in 2007, the driver involvement rates for fatal crashes per 100,000 of the population showed the 16-20 year age group as the second highest out of all the age groups with 21-24 being the highest.   Young drivers tend to take more chances and are less experienced behind the wheel.  The 65+ age group had the fewest fatalities; yes, with time comes wisdom, for some anyway.  So next time you see a Hummer full of high school cheerleaders or a Cadillac full of Bingo ladies, beware of the other drivers, you should drive as though you are the only sane one out there.


Let me know what you think and next week we will have round two:  the male driver vs. the female driver, who will win?


Take care-

Danny Keaton