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Slow Drivers – ComedyDefensiveDriving.com

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Today, I woke up in a small town in Illinois. I haven’t lived here in over 36 years. And, while I’m used to the hustle and bustle of big city life, it’s a nice change of pace in a small town. No worries, no rushing, no honking or yelling (and we’re talking before you even leave the house). Yesterday, we drove to a nearby town to do some shopping. We took the back roads with all of the other slow drivers. Not because it was quicker or to avoid road construction, but because the highway route just wasn’t scenic enough. I remember the day I moved away. My parents, standing in the driveway, waving goodbye as if they were never going to see me again (probably hoping so). I moved nearly 1,000 miles away from my familiar small town. And never moved back. When my daughter was 17, I believe it was in April, and she was ripping everything off of her bedroom walls and throwing it all in a storage bin. I asked “What are you doing?” She said “I’m packing up.” Me, “Why? Where are you going?” Her, “I’m moving out.” Me, “When?” Her, “I don’t know. Maybe November.” I said “But it’s April! Are you trying to break my heart?” Then I went into another room, phoned my 78 year old parents and apologized to them for being insensitive when I was 17. My mother’s response was “I’ve been waiting by the telephone for 35 years!”

I taught my daughter how to drive. And, I must tell you, my daughter is a slow driver. At least she is when I am in the car with her. And, because she drives the speed limit, people pass her on the right. And they honk at her and flip her off (with me in the car!). Hey! That’s my kid you’re flipping off! I learned that’s what the sun roof is for … flipping people off. And, if you can drive with your knees, you can apparently flip people off with both hands. People are talented, aren’t they? They should put Prozac in the water system. So, my daughter would fit in well here. Or, in Colorado, for that matter. Since they’ve legalized marijuana, I bet there are a lot less speeders now. And more job openings in the snack industry.

But here are the hard, sad facts. Slow drivers cause more accidents than speeders. Not keeping up with the flow of traffic (just like not keeping up with the Kardashians) is actually more dangerous than speeding. But, the impact from those high speed crashes actually cause more fatalities than low-impact crashes. Have you ever heard the term “Speed Kills?” I wish I’d made up that phrase. I’d totally put it on a bumper sticker and collect royalties. And I would put one on my own bumper. Right alongside my other bumper sticker that says “Tailgating Kills.”

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Slow Drivers – Comedy Defensive Driving School

An Introduction to One of the Idiotic Drivers You will Meet on the Road

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Here at the Comedy Defensive Driving School, we try to incorporate a little laughter into our lessons. This helps lighten the mood, and it makes it easier for students to absorb the information. After all, when something is funny, you pay attention. When it is boring, you quickly zone out and start counting down the minutes until you can finally leave! During your course, whether you take it online or in one of our classrooms, you are going to hear some hilarious stories of insane drivers, idiot drivers, distracted drivers, slow drivers, road ragers, and more.

Let’s take a closer look at one of these idiot drivers. You are probably familiar with this situation. You’re driving along the highway at night, and a car comes over the hill in front of you. His lights are bright and blinding. You flash your headlights as a gentle reminder to the offending driver. Yet, his bright lights stay on. You flash again, shielding your eyes with one hand to prevent permanent damage to your corneas. Nothing. This is a classic example of the “I have no business driving at night because I can’t see without my brights, so I will just leave them on, and other drivers be damned” driver.

So, what do you do in a situation like this? Well, what you DON’T do is get angry, slam on your brakes, flip a U-turn in the middle of the highway, chase the driver down, and beat him to a pulp. Nope, that would make you one of the road ragers you will learn about. The best thing to do is look away from the bright lights as best as you can. Focus your eyes a little lower than normal, such as on the line on the right side of the road. Your eyes will be tempted by the light — DO NOT go toward the light, because you won’t find Jesus on the other side.

Contact us today at Comedy Defensive Driving School to learn more about how to handle strange, crazy, dangerous, and downright idiotic situations on the road.

3 Questions to Determine Your Level of Driving Common Sense

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Taking a course in defensive driving online is your best defense against the many, many things that can go wrong on the road. From the drunken drivers, to the drivers that simply have no common sense, Comedy Defensive Driving is here to help you successfully and safely navigate the highways. Speaking of drivers with no common sense, have you ever been accused of being one of these drivers? If so, you may need a crash course in basic driving skills, as well as defensive driving. Here are three questions to help you determine if you have the right amount of common sense to be on the road — or if you might be better off traveling on foot.

1. Do you find your foot hovering over the brake pedal and giving it a tap for no reason at all other than to make sure the brakes are working? If yes, you are guilty of too much brake tapping! This kind of situation can quickly lead to frustration and annoyance of the drivers behind you — which means they could put you in a risky situation trying to get around you.

2. Are you an overly nosy person? If yes, you are probably guilty of practically breaking your neck trying to get a look at the car pulled over by the highway patrol or the three-car wreck on the other side of the road. Gawking at things going on around you can quickly take you from gawker to gawkee as people strain their eyes trying to see the details of the accident YOU caused.

3. Does merging onto the interstate make your heart race? If yes, you are likely guilty of merging at extremely slow speeds. This is a good way to cause a massive pile-up behind you. Drivers speeding along at 70+ miles per hour won’t have time to stop as you pull your little turtle shell out onto the interstate.

If any of these questions hit home with you — and you have to answer honestly — then, you can use a few of our courses to give you the good sense you need to drive safely. Contact us today at Comedy Defensive Driving, and STOP being a hazard on the highway!

Crazy Laws – ComedyDefensiveDriving.com

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Even if you’re not from Texas, you probably know that it is illegal to urinate on the Alamo, thanks to Ozzy Osbourne! Of course, that was over 32 years ago. I’m sure they make Depends for rockers too, don’t they? In April of this year, a 23 year old El Paso resident was sentenced to 18 months in the Texas State Prison and fined $4000.00 for doing the same. All states have their own crazy laws. And, while most of these laws are outdated and probably no longer enforced, they are still in the law books. Here are a few other crazy laws you will find in the Lone Star State, which was in the top 5 cities for traffic tickets in 2010.

You can’t do a u-turn in Richardson. I’m surprised that there aren’t more crazy laws in Richardson, Texas. They are at the top of the list for writing the most traffic tickets in the nation. Another silly Texas law, it’s illegal to have anything protruding from your bumper unless it is attached with a chain. It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don’t need a windshield but you must have wipers. And, I love this one. In Texarkana, it is illegal to own a dingo, wallaby or poison frog. Are there a lot of Aussies living in Texarkana?

More driver-related laws, nationwide, get even weirder. In Alabama it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. I hope Stevie Wonder’s not from Alabama. In California, it is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. And women may not drive in a house coat. So, it’s probably like a felony if a woman wearing a camoflauge house coat shoots a whale from her car. In Washington, a motorist with criminal intentions must stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. Now, doesn’t that defeat the purpose of being a criminal? Ratting on yourself?

And, this is not driving-related but I just needed to share. In New York, the penalty for jumping off of a building is death. Duh!

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Crazy Laws – Comedy Defensive Driving

Pedestrian Safety Tips for Drivers

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At Comedy Defense Driving, we love to share tips on how to make the road a safer place for everyone. Pedestrian safety is still a concern within traffic safety circles, which are continuing toward educating the public on pedestrian safety for both pedestrians and drivers. In fact, there are many remaining concerns with traffic safety, in general; yet, with the percentage of pedestrian fatalities at crosswalks, crossroads are still of primary concern to the Federal Highway Administration and are regarded as a critical safety point.
 
As a driver, when you decide to operate a vehicle, you assume responsibility for your actions while on the road. Driving in the presence of pedestrians demands a certain amount of heightened awareness. Pedestrians who utilize crosswalks or shared roads must also assume a great amount of responsibility. It is no surprise that most pedestrian accidents take place in urban areas, where both drivers and pedestrians are in high volume. Pedestrian fatalities also occur in high numbers in rural areas, where high speed is a fatal factor in the accident. Here we will run through what we can do as drivers to meet in the middle for road safety, since the operation of a vehicle can present fatal consequences if certain habits are not established:
 
1. Follow the speed limit at all times. This may be a simple rule to some, but reminding ourselves of why the speed limit is in place can help reinforce a greater commitment to abiding by a safe speed for everyone on the road. Areas where there are lower speed limits are of even greater importance, since these are areas where pedestrians are likely to be crossing the road regularly; as seen in neighborhood areas and school zones.
 
2. Practice caution in bad weather. As we’ve all experienced, visibility is limited during turbulent, rainy, or foggy weather conditions. In regards to visibility, it is just as difficult for pedestrians to remain visible to drivers, as it is for drivers to remain visible to pedestrians. Use extra caution, when driving in these conditions, by using your lights and signals properly.
 
3. Be mindful of your surroundings. Another simple rule, but important, nonetheless. When we observe pedestrian fatalities on the road, it is often due to high speed and other neglectful habits on the road. Texting, eating, applying make-up, changing the radio, and other activities are under the umbrella of neglectful and irresponsible behavior on the road. Be mindful when entering and exiting driveways, approaching crosswalks, and at other critical junctures, which are all threatened when we decide to take our focus off the road.
 
Utilizing smarter, safer, more attentive habits within your driving can help save a life. By identifying critical safety zones on the road, drivers can begin to create a safer environment for pedestrians everywhere. Distractions, speeding, and driving under the influence are all contributing factors to a larger problem of unawareness in the issues of both pedestrian and general road safety.
 

Those Summer Rains – ComedyDefensiveDriving.com

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Summer Rains


If April showers bring May flowers, then those summer rains are quite a pain. If only I were a poet…a sober poet. But who’s ever heard of a sober poet? What’s the fun in poetry if you can’t attempt to rhyme words like “sobriety” with “dude, where’d I leave my car?”

Even a drunk poet knows that those summer rains are far and few between. So, oils and other fluids left on roadways usually cause slick conditions when rain is mixed onto the pavement. You should keep a safe following distance between you and the car ahead of you. A six second rule is recommended in rain. To implement this rule, once the car in front of you has passed a stationary object, you should count six seconds before you pass that same stationary object.

Turn on your headlights when it begins to rain. And drive below the posted speed limit. If you start to hydroplane, whatever you do, don’t slam on the brakes. You can hydroplane at speeds as low as 30 mph. Which is hard to believe since, when you are driving that slow, you feel like you’re in reverse. Some people panic when they begin to hydroplane and their initial reaction is to slam on the brakes. Which is not cool, because if you’re on top of the water, it’s not going to do a thing. And, if the roads are slick and you’re traveling at freeway speed, then you slam on the brakes, you could fishtail and lose control. The best thing to do if you begin to hydroplane is to release the gas pedal. Just take your foot off of the gas and let the car slow down on its own, naturally.

Another thing to note is to avoid flooded areas at all costs. Water level is very deceiving. Your car could stall out in deep enough water and be lifted off of the road in only three inches of water.

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist

Those Summer Rains – Comedy Defensive Driving

Holiday Travel, Drinking & Driving and the Fatigued Driver – ComedyDefensiveDriving.com

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Holiday Travel, Drinking & Driving and the Fatigued Driver

Take care of yourself this fourth of July with all of your holiday travel, drinking and driving and fatigued driving. Make sure someone doesn’t rufie your beer or lace your bottle rocket with Scopolamine where you find a zombie version of yourself, willfully surrendering your belongings to a drug lord. Or, better yet, find yourself in a bathtub of ice in a motel six with a kidney missing…and you look over to see that someone’s left the cap off of the toothpaste (#neanderthals). Or worse yet, find yourself tied to a bed in a motel six with only one bar on your phone…darned (insert any cellular service here), I curse thee. When I go to South America, I openly drink like a sailor so they know my kidneys aren’t worth the plucking. They must have caught on at the DPS because I signed up to be an organ donor, but they didn’t put the little red heart on my driver license. What an insult. Like “No thanks…we don’t want any of that.”

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If you’re waiting for a transition or segue from one paragraph to the next…don’t hold your breath, okay? Apparently, the fourth of July is the busiest day of the year for the police because of DWI’s. This day even exceeds New Years Eve because people are generally drinking later in the evening and closer to midnight on New Years’ Eve, while they may be drinking all day long on the fourth of July. Be aware that most people on the road with you this week are taking vacation time. Which means time to relax, surrender the brain and go on automatic pilot from the neck, up. So you’ll be seeing a lot of holiday travel, drinking and driving and fatigued driving around you.

I went to my hometown for Independence Day a few years back. It is common knowledge that small towns are meth lab capitals. While I find that hard to believe, since most towns only have one or two police on staff (like Mayberry RFD), and they would have to know about the location of a meth lab in their small town. I refuse to believe that they would be in on it. Not too long ago, I did a show in a small ghost town to some nice folks who were obviously struggling in this economy. The guy I worked with, opened with this “Thanks for coming out from your meth labs to see a comedy show.” The room went silent, then everyone was whispering to each other about what body part of his they were going to remove in the parking lot after the show. I slipped into the ladies room and washed my hands for about 20 minutes until it died down. Then I crept out to my car and drove back home. I haven’t seen that guy since. Not on Facebook, not at a comedy club, no-where. He just vanished! In my hometown, the mayor had given some guy money to go across the state border to buy fireworks for the city’s annual Independence Day celebration. And the guy never came back. Did I mention the correlation between small towns and meth labs? When you go into a tavern, and the tip jar says “meth money,” you know you’re really home. Sorry, too harsh?

Until next week…happy Independence Day.

Daun Thompson
Writer / Comedienne / Artist / Benevolent Thesbo

Holiday Travel, Drinking and Driving and Fatigued Driving – Comedy Defensive Driving

Mountain Driving – ComedyDefensiveDriving.com

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Mountain Driving

I always thought that I would be an awesome mountain climber. Because I am not afraid of heights…but I am terrified of widths. In the past, when I would tour from the Pacific Northwest, all the way down through Colorado, it was good to know a few tips while mountain driving. I had a small foreign sports car which would die easily in high altitudes. Needless to say, I have a lot of pictures where I am posing next to my car, hanging out on the side of the road and waiting for it to cool down. When you enter most U.S. cities, they will have a sign posted with the name of the town or city and their current population. Not in mountainous areas. They replace the population statistics with the elevation. I suppose it’s somewhat of a bragging right for them, “Who cares how many people live here, look how high up we are!”

Defensive-Driving-proficiency-trucks

I would think that the utmost concern one would have when mountain driving is making certain the brakes are in top working condition. When going down a mountain, frequent brake use can overheat the fluid and you can lose braking efficiency at a most crucial time. And they really won’t work at their full capacity until the fluid actually cools. As my father would say, you should never go down a mountain any faster than you could go up it. But don’t ride your brakes all the way down it. Shift into a low gear instead. Also, keeping your tires at their proper inflation is crucial. And having your spare checked and properly inflated is imperative so you don’t have to spend long hours on the side of the road with the road kill. Bears love road kill…and people…yummy. Another thing to remember is that driving in high altitudes makes your engine work a lot harder, so make sure your oil has been changed lately and that your radiator has fresh anti-freeze. This will keep your car from overheating at the most inopportune time. In fact keep a spare jug of anti-freeze in your trunk, you might just save someone else from being bear-dessert!

Mountain driving should never be rushed. Mountain roads are as safe as any other roads if you don’t tend to speed and you respect the road and weather conditions. Enjoy the scenery and take frequent brakes for you and your car. Remember to always give those going uphill the right of way. It’s harder for them to get up to speed and pass another car while going uphill, so be courteous. And don’t drive too close to the center line. Mountain roads are generally narrower than regular highways. If you and the opposing car are both hugging the center line, and you come around a sharp curve, you could both overcorrect, resulting in driving off the side of the mountain. Which, in itself would ruin your vacation. But… at least it would be a scenic ending.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Comedienne / Writer / Artist

Mountain Driving – Comedy Defensive Driving

Riding In The Back Of A Pickup Truck – ComedyDefensiveDriving.com

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Riding In The Back Of A Pickup Truck

Two years ago, when the Texas Governor vetoed the no texting bill, it was a heavy blow and, as far as I am concerned, a big step backwards. But I was even more shocked to hear that he had actually passed another bill which prohibits someone from having children in the back of the boat while it is in tow on a roadway.  What???  I thought the outdated law of allowing passengers to continue riding in the back of a pickup truck was already a bit silly…what’s next…not allowing people to ride on the wing of a moving airplane?

Technically, Texas law states that it’s legal for people over the age of 18 to ride in the back of a pickup truck. However, just because it is legal doesn’t mean it’s safe – in fact, it’s really not at all. Passengers are unrestrained and unprotected. Even minor obstacles on the roadway (such as potholes or debris) could cause uncomfortable bumps which could certainly result in an injury. If the pickup is involved in a collision (for example, being hit by a another driver), then any passengers riding in the back of a pickup truck would almost certainly be ejected and suffer catastrophic injuries. I’ve known of numerous kids flying out and landing on their noodles when I was growing up.

The current Texas law as I know it, states that children under the age of 18 can only ride in the open bed of a pickup truck only under certain circumstances. Such as in a parade, a hay ride or a sandy beach. Or, on an unpaved road…and kids love gravel flying up at them. Gravel is one of the most understated discipline tools. But you can only drive at a low speed. And not on a highway, only on a lower speed roadway, such as your farm to market road, or the road to your farm (which also has huge craters, great for ejecting kids…which can also be viewed as discipline tool.) I have also heard that if it is your only family vehicle and you can prove it, you may be allowed to put your children in the back.

With seat belt laws being so strictly enforced now as well as child safety laws, hopefully we will eventually evolve and this law will be revised to fit with the times.

Until next week…

Daun Thompson
Comedienne / Writer / Artist / Buckle-Upper

Riding In The Back Of The Pickup – Comedy Defensive Driving

There Are Many Reasons for Taking Our Online Course for Defensive Driving

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You will find that taking our online course for defensive driving in Texas is fun to take, and it will keep you entertained as you complete your required course. Some of the reasons for choosing us include:
• No Reading – The course consists of a video presentation
• Same Day Certificate Processing with no wait
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• Easy to Use and Simple to Complete
• Low Prices with No Hidden Fees
• Convenient and Flexible
• 100% Money Back Guarantee
Both our online course and classroom course are state approved by the Texas Education Agency. You will laugh when you take our Online Course that was created by top comedic talent. You can stop and start at your convenience until you complete the program. If you prefer to complete the course in a classroom, our Classroom Course is taught by professional comedians. There are lots of locations where you can take the course too. You can call us at (972) 573-2690 for more information, or register online for our Online Course.
Brushing Up on Defensive Driving in Texas Can Be Fun
Who would believe that getting your traffic ticket dismissed or that completing a course on defensive driving in Texas for an insurance reduction could be fun? Well, with us it is. Completing our course is accepted by all courts in Texas for ticket dismissal, and best of all, you will pay only $25 for the course with no hidden fees.