I love to cycle, it’s a lifestyle and it says to the world, “I’m not that fit to be a runner!” just kidding, my fellow goofy attire pedal-cyclists.It’s important to understand that bicyclists have the same rights to the road as motor vehicle drivers.In 2008, 716 bicyclists were killed on our roads in the U.S.
Most accidents occur for these reasons:
1.Aggressive drivers/cars not yielding.Common man, Karma is a real thing you douche bag!Now a lot of accidents do occur by non-deliberate, faulty action by the driver but by using simple defensive driving techniques, such as PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING, can eliminate most of the accidents.
2.Parked cars opening doors.Now if no one gets hurt and you just so happen to be filming this, a bicyclists going head over heels can be funny but if he breaks his coccyx, vestigial tailbone (his ass bone) then no one is laughing anymore….it’s not funny!!!!Check your mirrors and a quick head check just like if you were making a lane change before you open your door.
3.Bicyclist error.The third reason is the blame of the bicyclists.Yes, us who love to “Ride like the wind to be free again” have a responsibility to obey ALL traffic laws; otherwise you give us all a bad name.When you break the traffic laws, know that somewhere Lance is shaking his head and his one testicle with a tear running down his face and Christopher Cross is too ashamed to ride a bike and took up “sailing.”
Ride in the lane going with the flow of traffic and try to stay off busy streets.Use hand signals to communicate with other vehicles, the CORRECT/FRIENDLY hand signals.
We can all do our part to make the roads friendlier for everyone.Bicyclist, don’t act like you own the road, motorist, give us a break and share the road, you greedy bastards!
Have you ever broken up with someone and it somehow turned very violent?Small appliances being thrown, pictures ripped apart, getting kicked in the privates, all this can happen without warning.The same thing can happen if your vehicle gets submerged in water….
You walk into their apartment, make sure the steak knives are put away.You sit them down and you say the words …”I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”There, that wasn’t so bad, just like if your car goes off the road and into the water, unless you have driven off a bridge, the impact from your car rolling into water is a soft cushioned blow.Beware, just like breaking up, the next few seconds will make all the difference in the world on whetheryou surviveor not.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR CAR IS SINKING:
1.In the car; don’t panic!Gain your composure. There are over 10,000 vehicle submerging accidents in North America every year and 300 of them result in fatal drownings.In the breakup;
Don’t panic!Gain your composure.Marriages, relationships, “friends with benefits” end all the time, you are not alone.
2.In the car; roll down your windows, the longer your car is in the water, the more of a chance your power windows will not work.In the breakup;get ready to hit that door, FAST!
3.In the car; undo your seatbelt.In the breakup; hit them with your belt!JUST KIDDING!
4.In the car; get the hell out of there, duh!In the breakup; GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!Make sure you got all your stuff you’ve had over at their house.Otherwise it will get burn in some sort of psycho, crazy bi-tch voodoo ritual.Or maybe that’s just some of the women I have dated.
Chances are very likely you will never be involved in a vehicle submerging.But if you do, just remember not to panic, this is something you can live through.And if you’re on the receiving end of a breaking up, it’s not the end of the world.Remember the words of Marylin Monroe, “Sometimes bad things happen so it can make way for better things to come.”
Have you ever thought how everything is govern by basic laws? All living things, the elements, nature, from the atom to the grand universe, everything is under the laws of the universe. The Golden Rule “”Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”” “you reap what you sow” and never drink with a guy who only has one arm. I have no idea where that comes from but it sounds like a good idea. If something is out of “wack” then nothing falls into place. The same applies to your vehicle’s tire alignment, if your alignment is out of “wack” then your steering will be off too and the life of your tires will be cut short.
Have you ever heard of the MIND, BODY and SOUL connection? Everything is in threes, when it comes to your tire’s alignment there is the CAMBER, CASTER and TOE. If you’re not a mechanic do not attempt to do the alignment yourself or you could lose a toe and a finger.
The CAMBER is how vertical your tire is in relation to the road. Kinda like your MIND is how vertical you are to the world around you. The is also “Negitive CAMBER” and “Positive CAMBER,” just like sometimes your MIND is in a positive state and sometimes negitive. Positive CAMBER means the tires angle out, negitive means they angle in towards the car. Sometimes your mind is just mello, like yellow if you’ve been a smokin’ somthin’ greeeen!
The Toe is how the tires ride. TOE-in means the tires point to the inside of the car, if you where looking at the car straight on. TOE-out means the opposite. Just like your BODY and how you walk, some people walk with their feet-in, I call those people “pigeon-toed.” Some people walk with their feet out, I call those people drunk.
The CASTER is the angle the wheels pivot on and it’s measured in degrees. Just like the SOUL, brother! Your SOUL is the CASTER of you! Your SOUL is the angle your being pivots on through time and space.
Get your tire alignment done when you purchase new tires and meditate before you start your new day, both can make all the difference in the world.
Why does a driver’s insurance rate drop at the age of twenty-five?
Recently, I was driving around in Irving, Texas listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ CD called Blood Sugar Sex Magik. When that album was released, I was 22 years old. Back then my driving sucked!! My insurance rates were high because of my gender and particularly because of my age.I drove my car like I drove through life, reckless.I would rush into a bad relationship like I was going through an intersection with a red light!Back then I hung out with a group of friends, like my age, that were into Native American Spirituality and we hung around the Dallas-Irving area and no, we didn’t play Dungeons and Dragons. We lived for the moment in our self deceived eternal youth. Like bohemians on the Ship of Fools we floated down the river of Nirvana.According to the insurance companies, we were in a high-risk age category for drivers more likely to cause an accident.Young drivers are inexperienced and they take more chances behind the wheel.
Yes, the good ‘ol days of grunge rock, the internet was new, we still had cassette players in our cars and I drove like a driver’s ed. school flunky.Now I believe or at least I hope my driving is much better, just don’t ask my girlfriend.I always use my turn signals even when I cut someone off.I make an effort to tell myself not to have road rage before I start my car.I don’t speed up to keep someone from moving over, most of the time.Even when there’s a homeless person standing on the side of a freeway off-ramp, I always make eye contact to tell them “no”, instead of acting like I have to concentrate to change the radio station.
Now to answer the question, “why does a driver’s insurance rate drop at the age of 25?In your brain, the cerebral cortex (frontal lobe) located behind the forehead, deals with complex decision making.This part of your brain does not fully develop until the age of twenty-five.For most men, it does NOT develop until 50, am I right, ladies??That’s why your 30 year old husband acts like he’s still in the 7th grade!
OK, back to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and driving in Irving, I had a spiritual awaking without the use of some organic substance. Unlike my Mantra of the past, “Live for today, F@%K tomorrow” my old school of philosophy has changed to “Slow down, you’re driving too fast!”, “Take it easy” and “Turn down that music, it’s too loud!”As I’m getting older, I’m gaining more experience and with that, come the wisdom. Just like a classic or antique automobile, you increase in value and prestige and along the way you pick up little pieces of dignity and unbridled pride.
Keep sending in your comments and e-mails.Join me again next week and until then…
Have you ever leaked something?Leaking oil (out into the Gulf) leaking diaper, leaking something out of your pants?OK, that was a little over the line, but think about the word “leak.” It just sounds nasty, L-E-A-K [Leek]The word “leak’ is synonymous with “damaged”something is wrong and it needs attention, it needs to be fixed or something worse will happen.
An engine oil leak is the worst kind of leak, unless you’re leaking something out of your “privates.”In that case you will want to seek medical attention and you might want to say something to your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/friend with benefits.But if your engine is leaking oil you will want to seek mechanical attention.Here’s tha skinny on engine oil leaks:
After six or seven years (sooner if you drive a foreign car, so buy AMERICAN DAMNIT!!!) of running your engine, the gaskets and seals start to deteriorate due to wear and tear.Most likely engine oil leaks happen in these areas:
1.VALVE COVER GASKET
2.OIL PAN GASKET
3.TIMING CHAIN COVER
4.FRONT AND REAR CRANKSHAFT SEALS
Now you can change a valve cover gasket easily in most vehicles (unless you drive foreign cars…buying foreign cars cost Americans their jobs, did you know that?)But if you change the valve gasket yourself do not use sealer on rubber gaskets, only use sealer on cork gaskets.And make sure you don’t drink alcohol while working on your car.You’ll scream “OUCH!” a lot and when you have finished the job, you have extra parts of your car left over.The front and rear crankshaft seals are much more difficult to replace yourself, so ladies get a boyfriend who is a mechanic or a bumper-to-bumper extended auto warranty.But weight the pro’s and con’s, “auto warranty” doesn’t result in a protective order, mechanic ex-boyfriend with a drinking problem, does.
But how do you know if your engine is leaking oil?Well here’s the inside dope on that one too.Park your car over night, preferably at someone else’s house so you don’t mess up your own driveway.The next morning, check the spot you parked your car.Is there a dark puddle, does it have a purple like swirl to it? Does it look like an ice-cream topping at Sonic?If the answer is yes, then you have a leak, my friend.If the puddle is yellow, that means someone or something peed in the driveway.Yes, that’s gross but it’s better than an oil leak.Pee-pee leak problem on your driveway can be taken care of with a shotgun, oil leak problem requires dinero.
I hope you got something out of this week’s blog and I hope nothing leaks on you, unless you’re into that sort of thing, FREAK!Keep those e-mails and comments coming in, I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to write.If you have any suggestions or blog ideas, send them in!Join me again next week and until then…
A young guy, by the name of Dan is moving in with his cougar who he met on Match.com. He plans a moving party of sorts and sends out E-vites to all the people he knows, with a long bed truck. He provides beer and pizza as an incentive to show up. Oh yeah, this is already starting out good, booze and manual labor, recipe for “Ouch that was my spleen!!!!”
Two out of ten invites show up for the free beer, Milwaukee’s Best. There was no mention of that in the Craig’s List ad Dan had to put out, because he doesn’t know that many people! Instead of tying down the mattress, Dan suggested to the drunker of his two new friends that they should just lay on the mattress to help weight it down….oh bad idea!!! The drunkard doesn’t lie on the mattress; he passes out on the mattress. The vehicle travels at 40 mph, then 45, then 50 when all of a sudden the DNA infested mattress goes flying out of the bed of the pick-up!! I think I hear a fat lady singing. Luckily the drunkard died instantly after his magic carpet ride ended abruptly. Thank God he didn’t feel the pain of his skull and flesh being ripped apart by the asphalt as it skidded down the road half the length of a football field, which oddly enough, is further than the St. Louis Rams could go. Now to some this might seem like cleaning out the gene pool, to others it’s a travesty of massive proportion because a mattress was ruined.
Be aware of flying debris and people coming out of trailers and open-bed pickup trucks. Drunken rednecks, frat boys and lawn care workers do not make cool hood ornaments, despite popular belief. Never stay behind a pickup truck loaded with furniture or you could wind up on the evening news.
By the way, have you ever seen just “one” shoe off to the side of the road? It’s always just one shoe! If you see a high-heeled shoe on the side of the road in Dallas, Texas, it probably belonged to a stripper by the stage name of “Cinderella” who got into a fight with her boyfriend and missed, if you see a shoe on the side of a lonely highway in Arizona, alien abduction. And by alien abduction, I mean illegal immigrants who needed a white guy to speak for them in case they got pulled over by the cops.
As a defensive driving instructor I hear stories about what my students have been hit by, ladders, PVC pipes, furniture, boats that come unhitched and dogs that are tied up and jump out of the truck and they don’t come unhitched, sorry PETA. We hear those unfortunate stories all the time. Take the time to secure your load; most states hold you liable if anything comes out of your vehicle or off your vehicle.
Join me again next week and until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
I was driving into the southwest on my way to Acoma, New Mexico to do a comedy show at the Sky City Casino in 2001. As I made my way into the land of enchantment an eerie essence took over my driving. This strange but familiar highway hypnosis of anticipation to the upcoming show takes command over my subconscious like a Native American cruise control. At the same time I hope that club has enough Jack Daniels to carry me through the night and Pepcid AC. I’m listening to my “southwest” mix CD consisting of U2, Marty Robbins, Mazzy Star and Dwight Yoakam. My mind drifts thinking of all the one night stands and the bars I’ve experienced in a drunken haze after shows in Tucson, Espanola, Roswell and walking barefoot at 3a.m. on the grimy sidewalks of that shady border town called El Paso. FYI, drivers DO NOT yield to pedestrians in El Paso City. I’m back in “God’s country” the southwest and I’m excited!
As I traveled, I had an epiphany and realize the spirit of going into the unknown comes from our ancestors who came to a better place, “Go west young man!” a pioneer courage that is the foundation of who we are. When you travel around the country chasing a dream, mighty forces ramble with you. To a “normal” person, it’s a life style that few can relate.
The Acoma Pueblo is the oldest continuously inhabited community in the U.S. In the 12th century it was built in part for a defense against raiders. Now it’s inhabited by a travel center, RV park and Wendy’s. The Sky City casino stands 65 miles west of Albuquerque like an oasis to a person who has a drinking and gambling problem. The show goes over like a televangelist opening for Nine Inch Nails. 5 people in the audience all over the age of 60, I was not prepared for that! They looked at me like I was the anti-Christ. The show sucked to say the least!!! As I headed back to Albuquerque after the show, my Geo breaks down on I-40. Great! Now what I’m I going to do? I called my road side assistance and I had to stay in my car because I’m not going to stand outside with rattlesnakes and other critters. I’m in the right hand shoulder of the highway and instead of having my flashers on; I had just my left blinker on instead. That way approaching traffic from behind thinks I’m about to get on the highway and they might move over one lane so I don’t get hit waiting for the tow truck. Always be prepared for the worst and always have a breakdown plan in case you need it. I’m happy to say all ended well, alternator belt broke, so it was no big deal and thanks to the 5 people who were nice enough not to walk out of the show.
Join me again next week and until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
What do I do? I had to ask myself that question as I was meditating one night before bed, OK maybe I was more MEDICATing then “tating”. None the less, I pondered that self inquiry and if one is not expecting that, it could raise some self doubt. “What do I do?”- The little voice that my therapist calls “Ego Danny” catechized. Without delay I answered myself in a mumble that would have made anybody feel uncomfortable that may or may not have been sitting at that particular bar.
I save lives! Yes, I do and no, I don’t have a cape, not even a leather mask, with spikes…I swear, really I don’t. I do stand-up comedy, I write and for the last 10 years I been teaching Comedy Defensive Driving classes. These are driving safety courses that the good, friendly, kind folks of Texas take to dismiss a traffic ticket, if they just so happen to exceed the posted speed limit or various other moving violations. Yes, we are friendly drivers in Texas. When you enter Texas from Oklahoma on I-35, the sign that greets galvanized travelers says: “Welcome to Texas – Drive Friendly – The Texas Way – Proud Home of President George W. Bush”
I wonder if Austria has a welcome sign that pays tribute to Hitler.
Yeah we’re friendly, we’ll wave at you after we’ve cut you off, flipped you off and all with no blinker…and then we will shoot ya! After the Texas howdy sign, the first commercial building you see in the Lone Star state is an adult video store! Yea for Bible belt porn!
Anyway, back to the “saving lives” part. I teach these classes and at the same time I feel like I’m contributing to society, by promoting driver safety. It would sound cliché to say “even if it just helps one person”. Ego Danny says, “Hell no! I want it to SAVE every one of my students!” That’s why I’m designing a new curriculum for our school, that I think goes steps further than the minimum state requirements and it been sanitized for our students protection. For instance; when being pulled over by the cops, always pull over to the right had shoulder or in a well lit parking lot area, anywhere that is safe for you and Barney Fife. Don’t go reaching for your purse or into your glove box for any reason, Dirty Harry might think you are going for a gun or stashing dope. Keep your hands on the steering wheel and don’t argue with Sherriff Rosco P. Coltrane. This will most likely insure that you will have a pleasant traffic ticket experience. But if you do have a cop who is an ass, don’t argue, just take the ticket and report him later.
For the next few weeks I’ll be including some of our curriculum dates and passing them on to you. Why, because I want it to help all of my five readers. Join me next week, until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
A Bill is being introduced, AB 2254 to the California Legislators in November, 2010 to legalize, tax and regulate marijuana. 57 percent of the voters who were polled are in favor to legalize it.
I think Arnold Schwarzenegger and certain California Lawmakers are on a “mission from God”; It will become law. Marijuana, weed, grass, Mary Jane, Buddha, wacky tobaccy…will be legal in California; THE FIRST SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
All the potheads will want to move to Cali, bringing with them all their sinfulness and clothes made of hemp. Once they cross the state line with their earth conscious automobiles or Greyhound buses into the Golden State, the land of milk and honey…and lots of munchies; THE SECOND SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
Disneyland will have all kinds of magic! Mickey Mouse will have bloodshot eyes! Peter Pan will be smoking a bowl with Tinkerbell, thus; THE THIRD SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
Jobs and billions in tax revenue will be created. Crime will be reduced and it will cut funding to the drug cartels, not to mention it will reduce police corruption; THE FOURTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
The hippies will want to have a rock concert “love festival” somewhere in the Bay Area, with satanic rock-n-roll bands and gangsta rappers. They’ll talk about loving one another, peace…and the dawning of the “Age of Aquarius”; THE FIFTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN, because some stoner tried to make a bong out of it.
Now that all the “bad people” will be living in California, the wretched will be in one place; THE SIXTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.
God will start his wrath. With a vengeance, he will take his mighty arm and slam it on to the west corner of the continent causing a catastrophic earthquake, dumping California into the Pacific Ocean; THE SEVENTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN. God’s cleansing will be complete.
OK maybe that’s not going to happen but if it did, holy s#!%, I would be asked to go on Montel and they would call me Danny the Nostradumass. Now, I’m not anti-alcohol or drugs for that matter, do what you do, right? Just don’t get behind the wheel and make that choice or argument that “even if I hit something, it’s only gonna be at 6 miles per hour.”
Don’t smoke or drink and drive, there are too many options, designated driver, taking keys away from a stoner (that’s always a fun time-so take up the keys before they start breaking out the Doritos), spend the night at wherever you are partying, call a cab, call for a ride. Even AAA has a program for safe rides and Narcotics Anonymous too, I think or so I’ve heard. Here’s a suggestion; smoke out at home, alone watching Karate Kid or Half Baked or around a drum circle. Over 17,000 people are killed in DUI related crashes every year in the U.S.
PLEASE DON’T CONTRIBUTE! Have a good time but be sensible!
Write me with your comments and suggestions; I would love to hear them. Until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican
I think when we stop hating other human beings because of race, sexual orientation and ideology/religion, we will be ready. When we stop following the false idol of currency, killing each other and ourselves, we will be ready! When we stop destroying our planet, the home that was giving to us and all living beings, WE WILL BE READY!! As spiritual living beings we will have evolved to be ready for certain answers to life’s questions that have plagued philosophers, theologians, scientists, artists and stoners since the beginning of time or at least since the 60’s.
Like, “What is the meaning of life?”
“Why do we exist, rather than not exist?”
“Why hasn’t Van Halen put out any new music lately?”
Last week NASA unveiled new pictures of the Sun. The images showed God at work, converting hydrogen to helium through nuclear fusion, providing energy for life for all living things on our planet. Not to mention providing in part the gravity (Hands of God) that holds us in place. Now this almost sounds silly but since I have to relate this to driving, have you ever thought about the effects the Sun has on our driving? Yea OK, so use your sun visor, make sure it’s pointed away from your head (Ouch!) and buy some “cheap sunglasses”, come to think of it, ZZ top hasn’t done anything either! Make sure your sunglasses have 100% UVA and UVB radiation protection and preferably have Polycarbonate lenses. Sunglasses experts (and yea there are actually guys who are experts at this) will say the most expensive brands aren’t necessary the best glasses, so shop around.
Pictures of the Sun like the ones NASA just released, images of newborn stars in the Eagle nebula from the Hubble telescope (1995) and the wig on Donald Trump’s head have always intrigued me. It has also made me realize that we are building better cameras to get a better look at God. Being a fan of Astronomy is getting me closer to the awaking that all living things are connected, past present and future. In what way, one might ask? We are living beings sharing this planet. “All we are is dust in the wind”, OK that’s the last classic rock reference I’m going to make! I said it before, one of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see it the world.” And Whitesnake said, “Like a drifter I was born to walk alone.” Sorry, I couldn’t help it.
I would like to dedicate this week’s blog to artist, past, present and future around the world who are persecuted for their art and expression. There are too many to name but here are just a few:
Yuri Samodurov and Andrei Yerofeer – director and curator, Sakharov Museum in Moscow
Max Bechmann – German artist
Mizgin – Kurdish musician
Kurt Westergaard – Danish artist
Artists in the Tongzhou district in Beijing
Join me again next week and keep sending in your comments and e-mails. Until then…
Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican