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Archive for May, 2010

Crap flying out of trucks.

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A young guy, by the name of Dan is moving in with his cougar who he met on Match.com. He plans a moving party of sorts and sends out E-vites to all the people he knows, with a long bed truck. He provides beer and pizza as an incentive to show up. Oh yeah, this is already starting out good, booze and manual labor, recipe for “Ouch that was my spleen!!!!”

Two out of ten invites show up for the free beer, Milwaukee’s Best. There was no mention of that in the Craig’s List ad Dan had to put out, because he doesn’t know that many people! Instead of tying down the mattress, Dan suggested to the drunker of his two new friends that they should just lay on the mattress to help weight it down….oh bad idea!!! The drunkard doesn’t lie on the mattress; he passes out on the mattress. The vehicle travels at 40 mph, then 45, then 50 when all of a sudden the DNA infested mattress goes flying out of the bed of the pick-up!! I think I hear a fat lady singing. Luckily the drunkard died instantly after his magic carpet ride ended abruptly. Thank God he didn’t feel the pain of his skull and flesh being ripped apart by the asphalt as it skidded down the road half the length of a football field, which oddly enough, is further than the St. Louis Rams could go. Now to some this might seem like cleaning out the gene pool, to others it’s a travesty of massive proportion because a mattress was ruined.

Be aware of flying debris and people coming out of trailers and open-bed pickup trucks. Drunken rednecks, frat boys and lawn care workers do not make cool hood ornaments, despite popular belief. Never stay behind a pickup truck loaded with furniture or you could wind up on the evening news.

By the way, have you ever seen just “one” shoe off to the side of the road? It’s always just one shoe! If you see a high-heeled shoe on the side of the road in Dallas, Texas, it probably belonged to a stripper by the stage name of “Cinderella” who got into a fight with her boyfriend and missed, if you see a shoe on the side of a lonely highway in Arizona, alien abduction. And by alien abduction, I mean illegal immigrants who needed a white guy to speak for them in case they got pulled over by the cops.

As a defensive driving instructor I hear stories about what my students have been hit by, ladders, PVC pipes, furniture, boats that come unhitched and dogs that are tied up and jump out of the truck and they don’t come unhitched, sorry PETA. We hear those unfortunate stories all the time. Take the time to secure your load; most states hold you liable if anything comes out of your vehicle or off your vehicle.

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

Go West Young Man.

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I was driving into the southwest on my way to Acoma, New Mexico to do a comedy show at the Sky City Casino in 2001. As I made my way into the land of enchantment an eerie essence took over my driving. This strange but familiar highway hypnosis of anticipation to the upcoming show takes command over my subconscious like a Native American cruise control. At the same time I hope that club has enough Jack Daniels to carry me through the night and Pepcid AC. I’m listening to my “southwest” mix CD consisting of U2, Marty Robbins, Mazzy Star and Dwight Yoakam. My mind drifts thinking of all the one night stands and the bars I’ve experienced in a drunken haze after shows in Tucson, Espanola, Roswell and walking barefoot at 3a.m. on the grimy sidewalks of that shady border town called El Paso. FYI, drivers DO NOT yield to pedestrians in El Paso City. I’m back in “God’s country” the southwest and I’m excited!

As I traveled, I had an epiphany and realize the spirit of going into the unknown comes from our ancestors who came to a better place, “Go west young man!” a pioneer courage that is the foundation of who we are. When you travel around the country chasing a dream, mighty forces ramble with you. To a “normal” person, it’s a life style that few can relate.

The Acoma Pueblo is the oldest continuously inhabited community in the U.S. In the 12th century it was built in part for a defense against raiders. Now it’s inhabited by a travel center, RV park and Wendy’s. The Sky City casino stands 65 miles west of Albuquerque like an oasis to a person who has a drinking and gambling problem. The show goes over like a televangelist opening for Nine Inch Nails. 5 people in the audience all over the age of 60, I was not prepared for that! They looked at me like I was the anti-Christ. The show sucked to say the least!!! As I headed back to Albuquerque after the show, my Geo breaks down on I-40. Great! Now what I’m I going to do? I called my road side assistance and I had to stay in my car because I’m not going to stand outside with rattlesnakes and other critters. I’m in the right hand shoulder of the highway and instead of having my flashers on; I had just my left blinker on instead. That way approaching traffic from behind thinks I’m about to get on the highway and they might move over one lane so I don’t get hit waiting for the tow truck. Always be prepared for the worst and always have a breakdown plan in case you need it. I’m happy to say all ended well, alternator belt broke, so it was no big deal and thanks to the 5 people who were nice enough not to walk out of the show.

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

What Do I Do…

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What do I do? I had to ask myself that question as I was meditating one night before bed, OK maybe I was more MEDICATing then “tating”. None the less, I pondered that self inquiry and if one is not expecting that, it could raise some self doubt. “What do I do?”- The little voice that my therapist calls “Ego Danny” catechized. Without delay I answered myself in a mumble that would have made anybody feel uncomfortable that may or may not have been sitting at that particular bar.

I save lives! Yes, I do and no, I don’t have a cape, not even a leather mask, with spikes…I swear, really I don’t. I do stand-up comedy, I write and for the last 10 years I been teaching Comedy Defensive Driving classes. These are driving safety courses that the good, friendly, kind folks of Texas take to dismiss a traffic ticket, if they just so happen to exceed the posted speed limit or various other moving violations. Yes, we are friendly drivers in Texas. When you enter Texas from Oklahoma on I-35, the sign that greets galvanized travelers says: “Welcome to Texas – Drive Friendly – The Texas Way – Proud Home of President George W. Bush”

I wonder if Austria has a welcome sign that pays tribute to Hitler.

Yeah we’re friendly, we’ll wave at you after we’ve cut you off, flipped you off and all with no blinker…and then we will shoot ya! After the Texas howdy sign, the first commercial building you see in the Lone Star state is an adult video store! Yea for Bible belt porn!

Anyway, back to the “saving lives” part. I teach these classes and at the same time I feel like I’m contributing to society, by promoting driver safety. It would sound cliché to say “even if it just helps one person”. Ego Danny says, “Hell no! I want it to SAVE every one of my students!” That’s why I’m designing a new curriculum for our school, that I think goes steps further than the minimum state requirements and it been sanitized for our students protection. For instance; when being pulled over by the cops, always pull over to the right had shoulder or in a well lit parking lot area, anywhere that is safe for you and Barney Fife. Don’t go reaching for your purse or into your glove box for any reason, Dirty Harry might think you are going for a gun or stashing dope. Keep your hands on the steering wheel and don’t argue with Sherriff Rosco P. Coltrane. This will most likely insure that you will have a pleasant traffic ticket experience. But if you do have a cop who is an ass, don’t argue, just take the ticket and report him later.

For the next few weeks I’ll be including some of our curriculum dates and passing them on to you. Why, because I want it to help all of my five readers. Join me next week, until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican

To Be Green Or Not To Be Green…

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A Bill is being introduced, AB 2254 to the California Legislators in November, 2010 to legalize, tax and regulate marijuana. 57 percent of the voters who were polled are in favor to legalize it.

I think Arnold Schwarzenegger and certain California Lawmakers are on a “mission from God”; It will become law. Marijuana, weed, grass, Mary Jane, Buddha, wacky tobaccy…will be legal in California; THE FIRST SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.

All the potheads will want to move to Cali, bringing with them all their sinfulness and clothes made of hemp. Once they cross the state line with their earth conscious automobiles or Greyhound buses into the Golden State, the land of milk and honey…and lots of munchies; THE SECOND SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.

Disneyland will have all kinds of magic! Mickey Mouse will have bloodshot eyes! Peter Pan will be smoking a bowl with Tinkerbell, thus; THE THIRD SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.

Jobs and billions in tax revenue will be created. Crime will be reduced and it will cut funding to the drug cartels, not to mention it will reduce police corruption; THE FOURTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.

The hippies will want to have a rock concert “love festival” somewhere in the Bay Area, with satanic rock-n-roll bands and gangsta rappers. They’ll talk about loving one another, peace…and the dawning of the “Age of Aquarius”; THE FIFTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN, because some stoner tried to make a bong out of it.

Now that all the “bad people” will be living in California, the wretched will be in one place; THE SIXTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN.

God will start his wrath. With a vengeance, he will take his mighty arm and slam it on to the west corner of the continent causing a catastrophic earthquake, dumping California into the Pacific Ocean; THE SEVENTH SEAL WILL BE BROKEN. God’s cleansing will be complete.

OK maybe that’s not going to happen but if it did, holy s#!%, I would be asked to go on Montel and they would call me Danny the Nostradumass. Now, I’m not anti-alcohol or drugs for that matter, do what you do, right? Just don’t get behind the wheel and make that choice or argument that “even if I hit something, it’s only gonna be at 6 miles per hour.”

Don’t smoke or drink and drive, there are too many options, designated driver, taking keys away from a stoner (that’s always a fun time-so take up the keys before they start breaking out the Doritos), spend the night at wherever you are partying, call a cab, call for a ride. Even AAA has a program for safe rides and Narcotics Anonymous too, I think or so I’ve heard. Here’s a suggestion; smoke out at home, alone watching Karate Kid or Half Baked or around a drum circle. Over 17,000 people are killed in DUI related crashes every year in the U.S.

PLEASE DON’T CONTRIBUTE! Have a good time but be sensible!

Write me with your comments and suggestions; I would love to hear them. Until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

BE AWARE THERE IS A GENOCIDE GOING ON IN DALFUR, SUDAN! www.24hoursfordarfur.org
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican