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Archive for February, 2010

How-weird

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Comedian – Dane Cook

A comedian named Daun Thompson told me that an ex-boyfriend use to tell her, she had a way of going off the road (an analogy of her going through life) but always managing to get back on track. What a profound comparison. She never told me if that was meant to be a compliment or he was just being an asshole. According to her, her ex was a boring guy who had no sense of adventure, a wallflower of sorts. He was a psychiatrist who, I suspect was trying to analyze his own girlfriend! Seriously guys, you will never be able to figure out your girlfriend, so don’t try to psychoanalyze something that is naturally more clever than your knuckle-dragging ass! Last time I tried to scrutinize my little woman, I found myself sleeping on the sofa watching reruns of Sanford and Son, drinking Jack Daniels and touching myself…during the commercials and I wasn’t looking at the TV.

His name was Howard, but her friends and family called him “How-weird” behind his back. Apparently this guy always stayed on the straight and narrow, never taking a chance or trying something new. On the other hand, Daun is a comedian, always taking a chance and choosing the road less traveled. She has a restless spirit that every artist holds in their heart. So I had to ask myself, am I a restless heart willing to dive into adventure or am I a “How-weird”, always wanting a safety net, not willing to go off the road that is mapped? I had an immediate answer, I am just like Daun. I’m not afraid to take that left hand turn at the crossroads. I thought of that old country song by Steve Wariner, “Life’s Highway”, part of the lyrics that say:

“On city streets, down country roads
Like a stream the people flow
There’s bread to win and tolls to pay
On life’s highway
There is hope with every turn
A bridge to build, a bridge to burn
Here’s hopin’ you never go astray
On life’s highway”

One part I disagree with is the part that says, “Here’s hopin’ you never go astray on life’s highway.” Don’t be afraid to go astray, if you believe in yourself you will find your way back on track. Even if you fail, sometimes just taking the chance has its own rewards.

Thanks for reading. I enjoy everybody’s feedback so keep sending in those e-mails. Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-

Time Hypnosis

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I hope you had a great Valentine’s Day. I can’t believe it’s already the middle of February; this year is already going by too fast! I think I’m getting “time hypnosis”, it’s kind of like highway hypnosis, you know when you drive on a long distance road trip and you get caught up in the music, conversation or day dream and you’ve driven 1oo miles and you don’t remember it. I think time hypnosis is a very similar condition. My symptoms started in my mid-20’s. It seemed like the time between 25 and 30 was a blur. On my 30th birthday, I remember saying to myself, “what tha hell just happened?! Was that my late 20’s that just past me by??!! On man….I have and ex-wife and I have to pay child support!” The way to compare that to driving, is the time I drive to Albuquerque for some comedy shows at Laffs Comedy Club. Back then, I was doing the ten hour trip from Fort Worth to Albuquerque every 3 months, so I became very familiar with the map, plus it’s a desolate drive so it was easy to get highway hypnosis. You’re driving, driving… all a sudden, Wichita Falls, Amarillo, then New Mexico, then later that night you’re in a Motel 6 on Paso De Norte, with a stripper (because she thought it was cool that you’re a comedian), a bottle of Jagermeister and a chicken…wait a minute there was no chicken in Albuquerque, that was Tucson. Come to think of it, that’s not highway hypnosis, that’s called “black out”.
How can you prevent highway hypnosis? When you drive keep your eyes moving, don’t have a fixed stare like you’re a predator looking at a playground. I’m not saying you should constantly look around to where you’re not paying attention and you look like you just smoked “something”, just check your mirrors every eight to twelve seconds. Once every two hours, pull over and take a break. Just take a couple of minutes to walk around the car. There is a cure for highway hypnosis and that starts with common sense. As far as time hypnosis goes, take a break every once in awhile to appreciate your gift of life, kind of like taking a break on your road trip, see how everything is connected?

Keep sending your e-mails and comments, I always enjoy reading them even if they’re not nice. Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

Cupid can kiss my…

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Alright, Valentine’s Day is almost upon us.  So you know what that means, guys!  Open that wallet big and wide!  Last year for Valentine’s Day I spent over $300, that was just for the roses, candy and dinner and did I get any at the end of the night???  You’re damn right I did! 

I know a lot of you guys will be putting your best foot forward on Sunday night, especially if you haven’t been dating your sweetheart that long.  Taking your clothes to the cleaners, polishing your shoes…maybe even using deodorant, but have you thought about the cleanliness of your car?  The condition of the interior of your vehicle can set the tone for the rest of the date, good or bad.  Also not mentioning how your last relationship ended in violence is a good idea too.   A few women have told me that they knew they made the right choice to go out with me when they got into my car for the first time.  And a few said they wished they had never met me as they threw some sort of an appliance at me.  Windex, Armor all, air fresheners to get rid of that fart smell will be your essential tools for your car’s make over. 

I hope this Valentine’s Day is a special one for you and your sweetpuddings and if you don’t have a valentine, then realize how lucky you and your wallet/bank account really are.  I hope I don’t sound bitter, because I’m not.  I love my girlfriend and I’m excited about our first Valentine’s Day together.  (Yeah and I’m writing this ‘casue I know she reads my blogs.)  No really, I am excited Sunday night.  She had to sit through the Super Bowl last Sunday, so the least I can do is take her out on a special night. 

Join me again next week and until then…   

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton

Hit It

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You are driving down the moonlit highway, listening to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, thinking of …whatever, when all of a sudden a squirrel runs across the road. What do you do? No one likes hitting an animal or I should say most people don’t like hitting an animal, especially with a closed fist. But if you jerk the wheel you could kill yourself or another driver. All this is happening in a matter of seconds or less. You don’t have time to consult the PETA manual. What do you do??!! Here’s the answer, YOU HIT IT! TAKE IT OUT! I’m not saying you speed up to get a better angle at it but if you have to, run it over. OK, I know some of you are in a rage right now, but it’s better to take out the animal than yourself or someone else. Human life is more important than animal life, well most human life anyway. I’m sure there are plenty of my ex-girlfriends who would disagree with that statement. Alright, now I’ve pissed off PETA, Hindus, Kathlyn, Kristen, Tiffany, Dana, Jennifer, Shannon, what’s her face, I can’t remember her name, etc., etc.

If you have time to stop the vehicle safely, sure go ahead, stop! But if the cat darts out in front of you, then it’s goodbye kitty! Now Garfield is writing me hate mail. Get ready Bambi, you’re next! If you see a deer run out in front of you, be careful, there are usually others following behind. The worst thing you can do in this situation is slam on the brakes head on. The nose of the vehicle will dip forward, all the animal’s weight is on top and guess what? Bambi is going right into your lap! The best you can do is let up off the gas and try to side swipe on the passenger’s corner. Yeah, I said passenger’s side, because you can always get a new passenger, but you can’t get a new you!

Join me again next week and until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton