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Archive for August, 2009

Lighting can fool you

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I was in a bar after a show in New Orleans when in walks the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. This Venus lured you in by her mere presents with her long auburn hair, ocean colored eyes and an arousing body that was sculpted by the hand of God himself! She took the seat at the end of the bar. The obvious fact that she was alone should have been my first clue that something was not right with this seductive situation. I struck up what I thought was a clever, witty and humorous conversation with the help of Jack Daniels. Under the neon lights, the silver moon for bar flies and dreamers alike, she looked like an angel, a dirty angel but angelic in her appearance none the less. We traded embellished stories over spirits and Camel lights until we took a taxi back to my hotel room in the Garden District.

Friends, brace yourself…this roller coaster of ecstasy is about to come to an abrupt stop! The woman I woke up with the next morning was not the same goddess I came home with! I was duped and no, it didn’t turn out to be a dude. I shoved her off the bed. When she growled her way up onto her hairy feet, I told her I had been called into work for an emergency. “But I thought you were a comedian” the beast snarled.

“Well yeah, but the stage lights need to be replaced and the manager is a midget so he can’t change the bulbs” I squeamishly answered. Hey, it was the best I could come up with and besides every comic has done a midget bit. As the troll galloped away I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened. How could the woman of my dreams turn out to be a nightmare?

Self diagnosis: there were several contributing factors.
1. Jack Daniels.
2. The lighting conditions
3. The fact that I’m a male dumb dog

The fact that I had Jack Daniels and poor lighting conditions was the reason for my careless decision. What does this have to do with driving, you ask? I was giving an example of how lighting can be an illusion in certain situations. Poor lighting can cause you to miss road obstructions, potholes on the street or warts on someone’s face. The glare of the sun can cause approaching vehicles to become invisible. Clean your headlights, especially after inclement weather. Use sunglasses during the day but never at night, duh! And always have your sun visor pointed away from your face.

Join me again next week and thanks for all the comments and e-mails. Until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton

Going too fast on road and in your relationship can kill

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Speeding while driving, now I must admit I sometimes have a problem with this one.  If you live in Dallas then you know when you have the sparse chance when there is no traffic and you can speed, take it!  But sometimes speeding (too much over the limit) isn’t a good thing.  Just like in a shiny new relationship, you don’t want to rush things, right?  You take things nice and easy.  OK, we’re not talking about the freeways in any major town, U.S.A. anymore!  Drivers speed all the time and the cops can’t catch all of us, except for that poor S.O.B. who got pulled over for doing five to seven over the speed limit on the highway. 

 

I wish the same consequences for speeding on the freeway could apply to dating as well.  You’re sitting on the sofa and she talks about moving in on the 3rd date, then a cop yanks her over to the side and gives her a ticket.  Ladies can relate too, there are plenty of guys who have a led foot/apparatus when it comes to going too fast, especially when there is alcohol and a twenty-four hour wedding chapel in Vegas involved.

 

Speed is a major contributing factor in car wrecks, so slow down a little.  Join us next week and please keep sending in your comments!  Until next week…

 

Take care and be safe-

Danny Keaton  

Exiting the gay relationship

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I inserted this title because of the freeze frame on the You Tube video :) So my friend calls and says she wants to get out of this relationship she’s been in for the last seven months. First of all, why are you calling me? This sounds like a “Sex in the City” dialogue. Should we go to a swank bar in uptown and disguse this over some Cosmos?
As she was telling me all the wrong things this poor smuck does and doesn’t do, it reminded me of my next assignment – Exiting the Freeway. Getting out of a bad relationship is a lot like getting off the expressway. OK, hear me out on this one…
The freeway is your relationship. The other drivers on the highway are like all the different situitations and distrations that arise in a love affair. Some times these other drivers/relationship episodes make you mad and you shoot the finger or throw things. Other times everything is going smooth, hardly any traffic. But lets say you want off the freeway/or out of the bad commitment. You have to be cautious, one wrong move and you could be in trouble! When exiting the freeway the right of way should be giving not taken. Yes, I know I’ve said that many o’times, but it really is the safest thing rule to use. Besides the law on who has the right-of-way when exiting the freeway differs from state to state. In most states the right-of-way is giving to the driver who is coming off the freeway onto the access road. So all lanes on the service road must yield to the exiting traffic, but all too often we don’t see that courtesy.
As far as exiting your bad love/hate relationship, remember the right-of-way should be giving not taken. Break up with the other person first, that way you come out the winner. Or if you want to be extra cautious break up with them in a text message, just make sure you are not driving while you are texting.

Join me again next week and please, keep sending in your comments. Until then…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton
www.myspace.com/comicdemexican

Anticipating the actions of others

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Anticipating the actions of others, wow! I have to say when this one came down the pipe my first thought was all the ex-girlfriends and the bad relationships I have had. Could I tie this in with driving, sure…I mean driving and bad relationship go hand in hand. Think about it, you have a relationship with other drivers all the time. One time I came to a stop at a 4 way stop sign, just then another woman arrives at the intersection after me. Our eyes locked and for a brief moment in time my life intersected with another stranger. A song from Coldplay came on the radio…all of a sudden she jumps out in front of me!! Did I anticipate that aggressive maneuver? No, I thought we were going to have a civilized, brief but systematic driver relationship.

Anticipating the actions of others is something every driver must learn to master. Now when it comes to driving you should always anticipate the worst. When it comes to relationships, anticipating the worst, well that’s a judgment call. What tha hell is up with women doing background and credit checks after the first couple of dates before they go any further with the relationship???!!! Seems like you can’t trust anyone now days, especially with all the crazy drivers we have on the roads! Can you trust that the guy in front of you that is swerving isn’t drunk or distracted?

If we all practice forecasting the other driver’s actions many wrecks can be avoided. I hope you got something out of this week’s blog. I think my blogs might be part driving tips, part relationship advice. I’m not qualified to give any advice, but God knows I’ve been in plenty of bad relationships to give some suggestions. Until next week…

Take care and be safe-
Danny Keaton